GenaÕs Pregnancy Journal
7-12-04
On 7-8-04 I was due to have my period. As of today, I have yet to get it. In addition to this, I took the pregnancy test on 7-11-04. It showed positive. I am unsure if this is accurate. I mean, I have been under so much stress the last few weeks that I could be late for that reason and maybe I peed on the stick wrong. I feel a little woozy today, but this could be me thinking about it too much. I want to take another test, but I need to buy some. I am excited about the prospect, yet worried that I am getting my hopes up. This is not the first time in which I was late since being off the pill. Granted, I took a test then and every time it turned up negative. So whatÕs to say that this isnÕt the real thing? I find myself tempted to go home now, buy a new test on the way and go and check again. Then, if it is still positive, go straight to the doctor to have them test. Knowing my luck on this, I have expected to go into the bathroom and find blood trickling down my leg. I suppose this would be ok if only in the sense that at least I know.
Ok, just went, no blood. Feeling sicker. I am not sure what I should do. I mean, I have already been at work for 4 and a half hours. I could leave at noon. That way I donÕt have to deal with my boss. I can just email. The problem with this whole not telling anyone anything until 3 months is that for two months, I cannot talk to anyone! I say 2 because I figure I could be a full month along. I felt nauseous on Saturday night during sex. That was weird. Right now, I am freezing. I am never this kind of cold at work. Especially at this time in the morning. ItÕs 10!
7-13-04
Ok, went home early yesterday.
I still felt pretty sick at noon which is when I finally threw in the towel. I
ended up peeing on another stick and it also came back positive. Based on what
I read, the only way I would get a false positive is if I was taking some kind
of drugs with the hormone in it. I am not taking anything! So two tests and no
period, this is looking pretty real. I am going to go by the doctorÕs office
this afternoon to see if someone can see me. I figure if I pee on the official
stick, or more realistically the official cup, then I will know for sure and
will be able to start seeing the correct doctors. I canÕt imagine they will
send me away. I mean, itÕs not like I am trying to get a whole bunch of stuff
done. I donÕt know it I need to do a blood test as well. I feel numb right now.
I mean, I know that I could be, but I wonÕt believe it until a person in a
white jacket confirms it. I may not believe it then, either, but at least I am
getting the info from someone who knows as opposed to a stick. If I am, I could
be due sometime in March. Should be interesting. I may have conceived on my
birthday. ThatÕs funny, too. Well, I will keep you posted. At this point, it is
looking good.
7-15-04
Well, as of 7-14-04, the
potty test shows that in fact, I am knocked up. Woo hoo! I now have the
unbearable task of keeping this monstrous secret for the next two months. I
still have to see a doctor. I have to just choose one from this list and then
make an appt. According to the calculators on the net (boy, how did people have
kids before!) I am probably due March 16th. They calculate it from
the first date of my last period. That was June 9. I thought that being told by
the nurse lady that I would believe it more. If anything, I believe it less!
Maybe it is because I just am shocked that it could actually finally happen!! I
feel so tired today. Everything I have read has indicated that this would be
the case. I also get little cramps and dizziness. Both also very normal. No
real ŅsicknessÓ to speak of. I keep feeling a little woozy at times, but
nothing serious. I suppose at 5 weeks along, I still may get these things. I
hope not. I am too exhausted to take anything like throwing up!
A little girl ended up
being the first person we told. She was at Dr. WestonÕs and was talking to me.
She ends up asking me if I was pregnant. I just had like no idea what to say! I
told her yes and wow, that felt odd. I am very excited and am now figuring out
ways to tell certain people. I have my way for Brandy and Jenni. I think we are
telling his whole family when we go up at the end of summer. Since my second
trimester would start like Sept 2, I think that I am going to suggest going up
that weekend. I canÕt believe how nervous I am about telling my folks. I guess
I just expect them to question the timing. They are not thrilled with KenÕs
career choice. Which is funny because he is actually making money right now.
Then again, I understand their point. I mean, what happens if the after school
program does get canceled? He will have been out of an office job for almost 4
years. So it may be hard to go back. Then again, I donÕt know if he will ever
go back. He is constantly doing projects. It still bugs me if only because it
is so sporadic and that he doesnÕt seem to work as hard as me. But if he is happy,
this is what counts, right?
I think that this baby
thing should prove to be interesting. I have been waiting for a long time and
it almost seemed anti-climatic when we found out. I peed in the cup and the
nurse lady basically comes and gets us. She is filling out this form and says,
ok, so when was the first day of my last period. I tell her as she writes it
down. Then she says that we need to take the form down to referrals. Ken and I
look at each other and are not sure if this is good or bad. So I ask, so does
this mean it was positive? She nods and Ken says, well, perhaps you should
start us off with that info. We all laughed. The nurse was obviously very busy
so I think she just assumed we knew.
I have to change my whole
lifestyle! Well, at least a lot of it. No more caffeine, no more booze, hell, I
have to eat vegetables! I need to start to figure out what is there that I can
and cannot do. I need to drink my water at much as possible. I also should get
some folic acid. I am sure that the doctor will prescribe something, but I
figure until I talk to her, I should start taking something. It doesnÕt hurt.
Well, then again, I could get sick. As long as I eat with them and drink plenty
of water, I should be fine. I need to choose a doctor tonight after school, I
think. That way I can call tomorrow. I want to get this process started.
Ken was being all cute by
saying that he has to make sure I take care of myself because I am now carrying
his baby. That was also very weird. Calling me the mother of his child. We have
been talking about it for so long. I did not know what to do with this
information. Actually, this works out well. Everyone else is having their kids
right now. I think that Bertha was the last of the like 5 people I know who
were knocked up around the same time. This way I get to be the only one! I
guess my body decided that since we made the backroom so nice that it might as
well give it a resident. I just canÕt stop thinking about it. It is so cool. I
just am worried that since it took so long that I may be at risk for something
like a miscarriage. Then again, maybe I just was not ready until now. This fear
is the only thing keeping me quiet. I mean, I want to tell everyone that I am
like 5 weeks along. But since I have not seen a real doctor and I have not had
a kid before, I donÕt want to jinx it. I am hoping to keep up this journal
throughout the pregnancy. This could be entertaining to read later on.
We have so much work to do
to get ready for this. Ken agrees that perhaps hardwood floors are a good idea
now. I mean, there is so much crud that gets stuck in carpet. We have to finish the bathroom for
sure, now. I need a bathtub! We have to throw out a bunch of crap, too. Maybe
this weekend we will take out all of the furniture we are getting rid of. Maybe
put up a sign or two and throw them out on the lawn early that way they will go
fast. Mark them all at like 5 bucks each. There are a couple of chairs and a
desk type thing. I think we can move them all before 9! Then all we have to do
is clean the damn office. That is going to take the most time. We have so much
crap! We should go through the garage again, too. I want to clean up the back
yard. It is looking pretty white trash right now. A lot of it is from the work
on the house. But if we move some stuff around, we can get it looking pretty
decent. Too bad I am not allowed to lift anything anymore! From what the
literature said that we got from the doctor yesterday, I am not to lift more
than ten pounds. I realize this is just a guideline, but probably not too bad
of an idea. I donÕt want to risk loosing the kid when I have only had it for
like a day!
7-22-04
Ok, so I have been
officially pregnant for a week. It has been a long week. Not being able to tell
anyone is hard. I have been so tired and my boobs do in fact hurt. Especially
in the mornings. I have not seen any significant color changes, but they seem a
hint bigger and are tender to the touch. It is odd to be pregnant. I mean, I
did not realize all of the things I cannot do. Ordering a combo meal from Jack
in the Box meant making sure I did not order a coke. I mean, that seems so
little, but it really isnÕt. We went to CozymelÕs and I couldnÕt order my
raz-rita. How lame! But totally worth it. It was especially strange actually telling
someone. I had to tell Dr. Weiss yesterday. He is our chiropractor and he now
does different adjustments for me. It kinda made it a little more real for me.
7-26-04
Ok, I need to write more
often. If this is going to be a pregnancy journal, it seems that I should write
each day! So far, not too bad. I have had to learn how to eat. I get really
hungry and so I eat a whole bunch. More specifically, I eat as much as I would
have before. But if I do that, I feel sick. So my portions are cut in like half!
Plus, when I am hungry, oh my god, I had better eat quickly or else I am in
serious trouble. I start to get all dizzy and feel like I am going to pass out.
My peeing has increased. I find myself going a little more frequently. Not a
ton, but noticeable. My boobs are tender, but for the most part, I have gotten
used to it so it is not as bad. I donÕt think they are any bigger. Like I need
to be anymore top heavy! The exhaustion is the worst part. Yesterday just doing
laundry took it out of me. Work is the hardest because it is a lot of mental
stress that really tires me out. Plus, it is a long day. 10 hours of work
should make me tired, anyways! I have had no real cravings. I really have
wanted Caesar salads, but that was from before being knocked up. I am getting
excited about telling people. Brandy was in the hospital from the 21st
till yesterday. Kidney problems. I would have liked to have given her some cool
news. Ok, I take it back on the craving thing. Now that I thought of that damn
salad that is so what I want!! Oh well.
7-28-04
I just made the foolish
mistake of lifting a bunch of small boxes. They were very light, but it was a
lot of bending and it has made me super tired and a little dizzy. I have felt kinda
icky all day, though. I think that my breakfast was not adequate. I canÕt seem
to figure out what to eat and how much. Nothing sounds good (except the salad)
and I have zero time in the mornings. Plus, I was out of milk so I was super
sad. I need to go to the store tonight. I think that if I get some more cereal
and milk I will be a happy girl. I had Crispix one week that was so damn yummy!
So I am thinking that would be better for me over all. Some fiber and calcium,
not too much sugar. And decently filling. I can also bring a little baggie of
the cereal to work to munch on.
I am tired of this
headache/dizzy today. I also have hit what is nap time. Apparently at 1 every
day I feel the need to take a nap. I eat lunch around 11:30, so it must take
that long for it all to digest and make me sleepy. I cannot nap, though. I am
at work!! I have taken Friday through Tuesday off, though, so perhaps I will
allow myself that luxury. Doubtful. I mean, I donÕt want to get into a habit I
cannot keep. Then again, I donÕt know what I will be doing those days. Lynn and
Aubrey are supposed to be coming down, but it sounds as though this may be
postponed for some time. I am not about to give up the only vacation days I
will get until Christmas. See, I figure I will take time off now, before Bertha
here at work goes on leave for the next 6 months. That way she will cover me.
Then at Christmas, I can take off as much time as I need as it is not as busy.
I am thinking that I will be off from the 24th and return the 3rd.
We would not even start close until then, so it should not be a problem. I am
going to probably work the day after Thanksgiving. I figure we usually stay
here for that holiday. Then we can drive up North after work on the 23rd
and stay a few days up there. Then maybe come back Monday or Tuesday (they may
want me around for a while to talk baby) and have a few days to recover.
We had planned on going to
Vegas with Jenni for New Years. I also had planned on being so drunk that night
that I would barely remember it. I donÕt think that is going to happen. We may
still go, but I will be super sober that evening. It just means that we can
stay at State Line because I can drive. Then again, at 6 months pregnant, who
knows what will sound best! I had planned on living it up during my last year
as a twenty something. Ironic that I would get knocked up around my 29th
birthday. My last year as young and irresponsible will be spent planning the
most responsible thing I will ever have to deal with. Not that I am upset, mind
you. I am thrilled. I still canÕt believe it.
I donÕt know if I actually
ŅfeelÓ pregnant. I mean, aside from the sickly, I feel fine. I have noticed the
tender boob thing a little and the dizzy, but how much of that is me just
feeling like I should feel something. I donÕt know. I know I will feel better
come the 16th. That is my OB appt. I will also be about 2 and a half
months along. I would imagine I feel a little more at that point. Who knows. I
read that it was ok if I didnÕt feel different. There is part of me that almost
wishes I was actually sick with morning sickness. Then I would have some proof.
A pee test doesnÕt do it for me. Plus, I really want to tell the world!!!! Oh
well. In time. Everyone will know in a little while.
7-29-04
Ok, some smells are bad. My
temp smokes and oh my god, when he gets back from breaks, I can smell him from
my desk! It is foul. Now, I have never been a fan of smoke, but it has never
been so bad that I actually wasnÕt sure if I could handle it when he came to my
desk. I actually held my breath. This of course made it difficult to converse
with him about a question he had. Good to note, though, that I donÕt have to
worry about being around smokers while I am in this condition. If I smell it, I
will probably have to leave!! Once Hope gets back, I think that smoke breaks
will just be terminology. Smoking will be prohibited.
I almost told Brandy today
accidentally!! I was on the phone with her and was telling her how I was going
to the Kevin & Bean party machine in the morning. I told her that Ken and I
were not staying long because he had to get to class. Then I started to point
out that most people get stupid around the time we would be leaving anyways and
since I am not drinkingÉ I actually caught myself before I mentioned that I am
not longer consuming alcohol. I knew she would question why. I may talk to Ken
tonight and see about telling her because that way I have one person I can talk
to this about. I will still tell her how I planned, but just a month and a half
early. See, I found this new calendar on line that claims I am 7 weeks along as
of yesterday. I can tell people Sept 1. So I plan on informing work that day. I
figure I will tell my boss first, kinda reassure him that I am not taking off
half a year. I plan on working from home part of the time. Even if I canÕt pull
that off, I may need to come in for a couple hours to do reports. I am not
going to pass that off on someone. Unless of course I am having the kid at
close. I am due in the middle of the month, so in theory I should be fine. If I
work up to my due date and take off the 6 weeks (it may actually be 2 months, I
will need to look into this) after rather than before, I will be better off.
I wonder if I will need to
miss any school. IÕd prefer not to as I will only be a few classes out of
graduating. Then again, I need to look into taking the DanteÕs exams or take
some electives on line. Perhaps in September. Apparently the tests happen like
twice a month, so maybe I need to get some materials. I have 7 classes worth of
stuff to do. So I can knock out two tests every session, so 4 days of tests
would cover me. I will take one first to see how it goes. That would be the odd
one out, anyway. Then if I pass, then I know I can do the whole lot of them.
How hard can it be. I mean, lots of people take these and do just fine. I am
smart. This means that if I complete this, by the time I hit 30, I will have a
degree and a baby! Cool!
8-10-04
So I actually got to see it
yesterday. They stuck some wand thing up me and then instantly on the screen
was this little tadpole looking thing. The heart was beating really strong. The
doc said that it looked good and healthy. It was a perfect weight for how far
along (which is officially 8 weeks, I am due March 23rd). I am in good health.
Good blood pressure, good exam, etc. I have to go get some blood work done, I
will probably do that this afternoon.
The doctor's office gave me a bag that, oh my
god, was filled to the brim with crap! I mean, there were magazines, coupons,
samples of lotion, formula, even a changing pad! Advertisements for portraits,
companies that collect cord blood. Who knew this was an advertising goldmine!
Seeing the packing peanut on the screen was pretty
surreal. I half expected that there would be nothing there. The other half of
me expected to not be able to understand just what I was seeing. It was
terrifying, really to actually see life in my gut. I figured that it would be
more real once I had some confirmation that there in fact was this tumor
inside, but in reality, I think that it pushed me more into denial.
I told Brandy about it. She is quite thrilled. She
was shocked I didn't cry when I saw it, but as I tried to explain, there was
nothing to cry about since I was sure that the picture we were seeing was from
the last patient and they just forgot to change the tape!
All very strange. I suppose it will all hit me in
once precise moment when I am letting out this blood curdling scream because
this thing has decided it wants to get the hell out of me. Then again, perhaps
I will just assume its really bad gas.
I have felt nothing but icky the last few days.
Headaches, nausea and overall discomfort. My boobs have decided that even
though they should have plenty of room to work with, they need to be bigger to
accommodate the whole milk thing.
I swear it happened over night. I mean, one day, tender boobs, no
problem. Then the next day I put on one of my better bras and it is super
tight. Still tender, but they feel like they are filling out the bra better. At
first I chalked it up to the better bra. However, I then tried on a crappy one
and it was amazing how little my boobs can move. My tummy has expanded
slightly. Everything feels tight. My skin feels weird, too. Very soft and
almost not real. It doesnÕt help that I have a nasty sunburn from Sunday that
makes the bra straps feel horrible.
My sleep has been odd. Lots
of strange dreams. I also sleep hard. I mean, I did before, but it seems like I
am out even more now. Plus, it doesnÕt seem to matter how much sleep I get, I
am constantly tired. Right now, I am having difficulty concentrating. At least
on the weekends I can just sit, but here at work, I canÕt really do nothing.
Even if I am doing nothing, I have to pretend.
I am considering telling my
boss now since I think that I should warn him now. But I donÕt want to tell the
company, yet. Plus, I think that
it will be fun to see him squirm, so the closer to my leaving is better. I will
probably tell him the same week I tell everyone else. W/E 9-10. I have my second
dr. appt on the 8th, and at that point I am 12 weeks. I am telling
my folks I think at dinner for DadÕs b-day. I assume we will go to dinner that
Friday. I think that we will go up north the following weekend. I have to see
what the deal is for DadÕs b-day first. I may go that weekend depending on when
we celebrate.
I plan on stopping at
JenniÕs when we go up. I have a baby package for her. Lots of frog stuff and
then this random baby book that I am going to put one of the ultra sound
pictures in. I am going to go through the book and write stuff I need her to
know. It is called the girlfriendÕs guide to pregnancy, but it is not really
for the girlfriend, which was slightly disappointing. But it is still fun. I
figure she will get to the book at the end and see it and cry. That may make it
real for me.
8-20-04
Long time no write! This
has been a long week. The tired is killing me. Especially on Fridays when I
have like maybe 5 hours of sleep. I got some blood work done on Wednesday. I
had to do a glucose test. I guess since diabetes happens in many pregnant
people, they test us early to see if we should be doing something different. I
feel really sick right now. My lunch did not sit right. I have to be very
careful on what I consume now. Anything with a lot of spicy really makes me
icky. And actually, it isnÕt spicy so much as certain kinds of spicy. Like, I
am pretty sure I can eat like a taco, because the cheese and the tortilla seem
to buffer the spicy. And the tacos I make have beans too, so this helps a lot.
Nothing too heavy as far as food is concerned. I had mac and cheese with
chicken in it for lunch, so apparently that is not as good. I had some last
night that was ok, but I had milk with it. I donÕt understand this whole
process, and since it is also random, I canÕt seem to keep up.
Luckily I get to sleep in
tomorrow. That will be a nice change. I feel like we should go and do something
this weekend. Maybe a movie. I mean, once this kid comes, we will either have
no time, no money, or no energy. There is part of me that still thinks I am not
pregnant. I mean, Ken is not one to chit chat too much on the subject. Truly,
it is such a girlÕs trend to gab about it for hours on end. Brandy and I talk
about it somewhat, but she is so busy that we donÕt have as much time to visit.
My family doesnÕt know, so weekends of bowling or family gatherings donÕt tend
to even go near the topic. So I am left with my own thoughts on the topic and I
get a little scared. Scared may not be the best word. It may be more like
anxiety. I mean, I donÕt want to get my hopes up on being pregnant and then say
losing it, that I find myself just counting down the days until 12 weeks.
Not that 12 weeks is the magic
hour or anything. I mean, I still can have a problem. Just the stresses of
being pregnant. Weight gain. I am a big girl, but seriously, this is different.
My boobs have already grown and so has my tummy a little. With that expansion,
I am going to be more tired. I am also going to have problems finding clothing
I like. I am also a little nervous about my scar. It is going to hurt? How ugly
is my pregnant belly going to look as a giant ass? I am also a little worried
about the actual labor. I mean, I am good with certain pain. Plus, I am having
them pump me full of whatever they have. But still, it is going to be awful?
Should I opt for c-section and have them fix my scar now? Am I going to crap on
the table? I know, the last part seems silly to worry about when that will be
the least of my concerns, but still, it bugs me now!
I also worry about my
house. Is it clean enough? I mean, we have so much crap that it always seems
cluttered. Jedzia at least has taught us how not to leave certain objects lying
around as she tends to eat them. But still! Do I want my baby crawling around
on the carpet in my house? It smells, itÕs dirty, and a lot of it is soaked in
cat piss. I donÕt think this is the best idea. Hell, I have enough of a problem
walking barefoot in the entry way, so there is no way in hell that a baby
should be testing those waters. What about KenÕs schedule? I mean, this
consulting and weird Lego hours will probably get worse. So even though I may
be needing to work late because of my fancy new job (look, just cause I am
having a kid doesnÕt mean I canÕt still be career focused) who will watch the
kid? Plus, with all of his gaming stuff, am I going to get bitter about having
the watch the baby? Probably not as from what I hear, I wonÕt want to leave its
side. Plus, Ken is so good about making sure I go and do stuff. But these are
irrational fears for a reason.
We also need to move sooner
than planned. I mean, letÕs say I have a baby next year, in 5 years, this kid
will be in kindergarten. So we need to be in the right district. Our realtor
sent us his weekly email yesterday and one of the houses was way good and a
decent price. It was in Torrance, and itÕs a craftsman, so I want to go look at
it this weekend. It may be small, but still we can get into Torrance that way.
Plus, it doesnÕt have to be permanent. Just something to get us into the area.
Then we can look for our dream house.
I canÕt believe how sick I
feel right now. I wonder if it is from being so tired. I have found that it is
actually difficult to drink as much water now, too. I have been drinking a lot
of milk at home. But drinking water here as been harder. I donÕt know why. I
mix it with punch or koolaid, but it still isnÕt right. I really donÕt want to
get actual sick here. I havenÕt thrown up yet. Apparently, it is common to feel
icky, but not as common for the vomit part. I guess that is just a tv thing!
I have to admit, not liking
my coworkers is going to hurt me in the end with this pregnancy thing. I mean,
I know I can put up a brave front and say I donÕt give a shit that they all
hate me. I dealt with them all forgetting my birthday. But people have
elaborate baby showers here. It seems a shame to not get one! Then again, I
donÕt know any of these people. I mean, Hope can throw me a shower (which I am
sure she will) but who really will I care about? I mean, the people I work with
closely have either successfully alienated me to the point of me not even
acknowledging that they are in the same room as me, or I have a mild
relationship with them and they neither bug or amuse me so therefore I know
nothing about them. There are a few people outside the department I like fine
enough, but only one person here do I actually speak to outside of work! And
really, she and I donÕt even hang out! I would like to place all of the blame
on the people here. I mean, they certainly have done their share of evil. Yet,
perhaps I bring it out in people. I have come to a point in my life that I
wonÕt tolerate stupid people. Actually, let me clarify. I donÕt like it when
people donÕt strive to be the best they can be. Now, I know for a fact that I
donÕt do this in my personal life. However, when it comes to work, I often will
do more work than I need to. It bothers me when people skate by here. I mean
its one thing to goof off occasionally and maybe send a few personal emails.
But these people talk all day long! They leave early, they come late, they
slack off the whole time. I then am the person who has to do the cleanup. Maybe
thatÕs what makes me so angry. I know that if they donÕt pull their weight, I
have to pull it for them. And they are still rude and mean to me, and yet I
took on the extra work with a smile. This bugs the heck out of me that they
donÕt understand that all they had to do since day one was to just say hello.
Instead, they upset me and I donÕt let things go.
Ok, I started to realize
this was too much of a tangent. I was upset so my words were not coming out
correctly. Besides, I think it is time to wrap up this entry.
8-25-04
Ok, I am now in a little
bit of a worried state. I know I am over reacting, but its still there. Week 10
and my symptoms have diminished slightly. My boobs donÕt hurt as much and I
donÕt feel as tired. Still tired, by the way, I just donÕt feel the need to lie
down every five minutes. Plus, I have been able to stay up at night more. My
food aversions have started more so. My nausea has increased. I actually got to
the point of almost throwing up a couple of times now. I have been working on a
different eating schedule. For breakfast I have had instant breakfast (this was
suggested by some books and web sites as it is mild and full of vitamins like
calcium, plus, not too many calories) each morning. However, I have had to
munch on crackers and stuff until lunch. Some of the foods I really like have
sat horribly with me. Chinese food being one of them! I think that fried foods
seem to sit poorly with me. I can eat a hamburger, though. I know this is
grilled, but I kind of expected to have issues with say a fast food place since
everything like at Jack in the Box sounds horrible right now. I have issues with Mac
& Cheese, too. Yet, pizza keeps sounding good. So itÕs not the grease
factor so much as the fried stuff. I guess melted cheese fat residue is
different from the grease on like chicken strips. Actually, chicken in general
has also been unkind to me.
So anyways, the reason I
have been worried is due to the change in symptoms. The books said that if
symptoms stop that this could mean a miscarriage. Well, after writing all of
this down, I already feel better since I obviously have other symptoms! Plus, I
found this web site where people can post their concerns/experiences/questions
and people can respond back. Two people had the exact same symptoms I have had
and are the same amount of weeks in! So this is good news. I think I am worried
because it is coming down to the time that I tell people.
We had to change when we
were going up north now to Labor day weekend and this is before my next appt.
so I was a little worried to tell them and then to find out something is wrong
like 3 days later. Realistically, if I had miscarried, I would know. I mean, I
would have pain or bleeding. I have had neither, in addition to standard
symptoms of 10 weeks pregnant, so I am probably fine. We will tell them and
worst case scenario, I am no longer pregnant. Ken had wanted to postpone the
trip, but the next time these people are available is not until like late
October! I donÕt want to chance us not being able to go or to postpone telling
them until I am like 5 months along! That doesnÕt seem right. I couldnÕt
reschedule my OB appt earlier as he was booked. So maybe I will just pee on a
stick again before we go and make sure my levels are still the same. Then I
will be fine!
9-3-04
Ok, so I have now hit 12
weeks! 12 weeks and 2 days to be exact. We suckered the doc into letting us
come in on Monday to get a new ultrasound. Really, it wasnÕt so much suckered
as I explained I was a little worried at the change in symptoms and wanted to
make sure everything was ok before I told the family this weekend of the newest
addition. I was very relieved to see this giant growth in my tummy that had a
heart beat and everything. She took a quick snapshot so now we have a recent
pic for Jenni and the family. We leave today. I get off work at noon and so
that means I only have an hour left. I had to take a break from work because I
was getting dizzy. So yes, I write.
I am very nervous about
telling the Brenans and Hiners. I donÕt know why. I guess its because I am so
nervous of people being indifferent to the whole thing. Or that they might now
be happy. Not that they wonÕt want us to have a kid, just that they will be
more worried than excited. Like, I mean, Ken only has the Lego job. What does
this mean about my schooling. How will we afford it. So many issues from a
parentÕs point of view. I mean, they would have good intentions, its just, I
want someone to cry. Not really, but I mean, I really want someone so excited
they canÕt stand it.
Brandy, although very
excited, was still recovering from the stones when I told her. So she couldnÕt
jump up and down. My classmates were excited, but they are not my family. So
this is the first real people. Not to say Brandy isnÕt real, by the way. I just
told her at the wrong time. Plus, relatives are way different. I am terrified
to tell my folks. They will be fine. I mean, perhaps even put on the happy
front and be worried in the background when I canÕt see them.
There is also the sense
that I really am not pregnant until they all know. So the minute I tell people,
it becomes more real. I mean, it isnÕt real all day because no one at work
knows. Ken knows, of course, but he is so Mr. Generation X with neither highs
nor lows, that it is hard to get much of what I need out of him. Plus, I have
no idea what I need! When I talk to Brandy, it hits me that I am. So I know
being in a room full of family and friends that I am going to really feel it
and it scares me a lot! I mean, I have wanted this so long, but oh my gosh!
So much pain coming up. I
am not worried about the whole mommy thing. Weird, huh? I mean, I think I will
be fine. It will be hard at times and scary, but I know I can do that. I am
really worried about pushing a kid out of my body. Like, the constipation I feel
hurts. My appendix bursting hurt. This is gonna be like 200 times worse!
Luckily I get something cool out of it, but still, scary as hell.
I worry about my scar
hurting as I expand.
I worry about complications
with my weight.
I worry the baby will have
mental problems like Matt.
I worry it will die at
birth.
I worry I will die in
childbirth.
I have to admit, that
scares me more than it probably should. I think I am worried about stuff, too,
because I havenÕt really talked to anyone about it. I donÕt want to overwhelm
anyone that I have told with baby talk. So this leaves me with a keyboard and
truly as soothing as it is for me to write out my problems, there is no hug
that follows.
Ok, I feel dizzy now. Kinda
sickly. I have been feeling this way the last couple days. Mostly when I get
hungry I feel icky.
I am starving! I would be eating around now, but since I am
leaving at noon, I decided to just wait until I get home. Not wise. I was very proud
of my eating. I have had some fruit and salads. Plus, when I was at the doctor
on Monday, I had lost a couple pounds. I know this sounds bad, but it isnÕt. I
am only allowed 15 pounds of gaining during this pregnancy so loosing a couple
first trimester is not bad. My stomach feels bigger. Things are fitting a
little snug. My boobs feel huge!! They donÕt hurt as much, so this is good. At
this point, I donÕt look pregnant. I wonder how I will fill out.
My appetite has certainly
improved. I still canÕt eat as much, but I suppose this is good. Anything fried
still sounds horrible. Like anything from fast food is foul. Taco Bell is still
ok, but I canÕt eat too much or I will get sick. Much too rich in stuff that
makes me less constipated! J Subway works. I can eat a hamburger, but most fast
food ones sound gross. This trip tonight should be interesting with my food
problems. Luckily my peeing every half an hour has slowed down. I have always
had a pretty good bladder, so I am pretty sure if I donÕt drink too much, I can
get away with no more than 3 stops. I think I can get away with our normal two,
but I am assuming I will need another in Santa Nella. Once in Buttonwillow,
once in Flag City. Since we are leaving so early, we should get there at a
better time.
We tell the family tomorrow
night, since that is when we will see Andy and Scott. So I will be nice and
nervous all day tomorrow. Ken is telling them, not me. Then again, knowing him,
I half expect that he already told them on the phone so they would all do
something as a surprise for me.
Ok, I should get some work
done before I leave. I will write soon.
9-7-04
Well, I had my first bout
with actual morning sickness today. I was getting ready for work, putting on my
hardware when it hit me. I tried to fight it at first but before I knew it, I
was sprinting to the bathroom, hoping I would not spill the contents of what
had just come up in my mouth. It was my instant breakfast that did not sit
right. I have felt icky all day. My stomach hurts, but it is more muscle than
sick, I think. Vomit will take a lot out of a person! I am very tired. I did
not rest as much as I would have liked this weekend.
Telling the Brenan clan
went ok. They were less excited than I had hoped for. We told them at dinner on
Saturday. Ken got Holly on the speakerphone and it was his folks, and Andy and
Scott there. Ken says to his dad that he wants to introduce him to Robert Alan
the second. He and his mom didnÕt seem to get it as fast as Andy, who looked at
me all excited. Andy asks me, ŅReally?!Ó and I nodded. He and Scott were
excited. His parents looked happy, but perhaps it had not sunken in yet. I know
they were jazzed, but I guess I had hoped for some tears. His dad looked
grumpy. Not sure if it was because we caught him off guard.
We told the Hiners the next
day, they looked very excited. Sandy actually told me that when she had seen us
on Friday night when we came in that she had a feeling something was different.
I told Jenni at bowling on Sunday. I gave her the care package and when she
opened the book she got all excited. Again, no tears, but plenty of goosebumps!
There was a lot of shit given to Ken about using the name Robert Allen. I
explained to Andy and Scott that he wouldnÕt let me choose the boys name of
Branch. It was determined at this time that Branch Dividian was a way better
name. Its still going to be Robert Allen, but still, funny! I tell my folks
Friday. I want to put together something cool, but it may just be something
that I should just do.
I go to the real doc
tomorrow, so that should make it easier. I am still worried that I am not
pregnant, although the vomit certainly helped the reality check. I figure once
I visit the doctor tomorrow (13 weeks!) then I will be ok with telling everyone
else. Not sure when Ken is telling Aaron. I know it is this week.
9-15-04
Ok, so apparently my taste
buds are all screwed up. I just tried to eat some spaghetti and it tasted sour.
Ken had the same stuff and it was fine. So I am hungry (but not, by the way) so
Ken suggested I eat the Honey Nut Cheerios at my desk. They are a little stale.
Now I feel like crying. I guess the hormones are out of wack, too.
We told my parents. They
were surprised. On Friday the 10th, we went over for cake for DadÕs b-day and I
gave them a grandparentÕs day card. Dad opens it and you can see he reads over
it like 3 or 4 times. He then looks at me with this funny look on his face.
Then he says, really? My mom guesses instantly and says, ŅyouÕre pregnant!Ó It
went over ok. No tears, not that I expected many. Mom seemed to get a little
teary, but not much. They were happy for me. I donÕt know if they have gotten
over the shock. They were surprised at how long we had been trying. Dad, not as
much since he seems to think it is because I was on the pill for so long that
perhaps it had to wear off. This seems reasonable only because it is not like I
had any miscarriages or anything, and this one seems pretty healthy. So who
knows. My body was just not ready.
I am very tired. I am
debating on leaving, but I think I will tough it out. I am pretty proud that I
have managed to only tell like 3 or 4 people here, all with semi orders to not
tell other people. Actually, I didnÕt even forbid them. I just said that I had
not told a lot. So far no one has mentioned it to me. I may skate through this
without anyone realizing until I go on leave! Well, not really. I am sure I
will show somewhat at some point. Even as a fat girl, I think that my stomach
will pooch out differently. Especially if my eating still is so crazy. I mean,
6 pounds lost already. Technically I should gain like I think 4 pounds this
trimester? Then more next. But if I only eat as little as I have been, then who
knows. I am a little worried, only because it is not good to starve the fetus.
I need to make sure to have some other foods around. I have a granola bar here,
but right now, nothing sounds good. Actually, milk does and I have no access to
that. Not for a couple of hours at least. Well, I will keep munching on what I
have. If need be, I will get like a Snickers bar from the vending machine. It
may not be the best for me, but I know it will fill me up.
So we have decided to not
tell Conner. The decision really wasnÕt hard to make when we figured out that
this was probably for the best. Aaron pointed out that since Conner doesnÕt
want to talk about babies, kids, pregnancy or anything like that, we will just
adhere to his wishes and never mention it. I am not saying he cannot know. I
just will not be the person to tell him. It is like the only way I can preserve
this friendship would be neglect my feelings. Well, not really. In a way I am
neglecting both. I mean, he may be hurt that we didnÕt tell him. I know I am
not thrilled about not being able to share such good news with a good friend of
mine. I know if I tell him I am, his response will just be, well, thatÕs a
shame. Brandy agrees. It is unfortunate that this is what it has come to, but I
would rather protect myself on this one.
I still have several people
to tell. Dani, Mil and Ari, Scott, Jason, Hopkins. Most of my outer family. SO
many people! It only just occurred to me that Greg will know at some point. You
would think it would be odd just because I only just thought of it. But as if
that wasnÕt weird enough, I also do not feel any amount of anxiety about it. I
guess that is a good sign. Not that I think of him ever, but he tends to come
to mind occasionally. It is that stupid memory of mine that can conjure up the
stupidest things over something trivial like a smell!!
9-20-04
I am so tired!! I had a
hard time sleeping last night. I would wake up every couple hours with my arm
all numb. So I would have to turn over and deal with that arm a couple of hours
later. Very irritating. It means I should sleep pretty good tonight. I wasnÕt
as tired when I went to bed yesterday. Well, I was tired, just not sleepy.
We told Grammie and
Granddaddy this weekend. I went with my folks and Matt to see them (Ken stayed
with his dad at the house to work on our bathroom). We got to the house and my
mom tells her that she forgot to mention that the 5 of us were coming. Grammie
looks around to see where Ken is. She asks and my mom says, no Ken, that would
be the 6 of us. She still looks all confused. So mom says, well, actually, in
George BushÕs America, there is 5, but really, only four of us. Even Dad got
confused on this one. I was laughing so hard since I understood. It took about
10 minutes for her to clue in. She was quite thrilled. We then went to visit
Granddaddy in the hospital. He is in a rehabilitation center right now. He
looks very weak. He also was having problems hearing us. Although, he did seem
very happy about the news. It was pretty depressing being there. I mean, he is
supposed to be this big burly man, not this frail tired person. It was all very
upsetting. I am hoping that he doesnÕt die. I know that is awful to think
about, but it is a reality. I would really like him to meet his great
grandchild. Grammie really wants me to have a girl. She was excited that she
may be in the race again with her sisters and their daughters. Apparently I am
pretty close to it since I am pregnant at this point and no one else is. I am
kind of routing for a girl as it seems that this will make a lot of people
happy. Although, I kind of think that a boy would make Ken happier. I am very
torn. I just hope it is healthy. I know, how fucking clichˇ!
Right now I donÕt feel
pregnant. Ok, let me rephrase. I feel something is different with my body. I
donÕt know what it is yet. Like, my stomach and boobs go thought these strange
feelings, like they are almost not real. They feel softer to the touch. I know
my stomach has grown, but not tons. My pants do not fit right. Nothing is
comfortable anymore. Like I used to be able to wear my tight pants, but now
they all feel constricting. I have this urge to go out and buy bigger pants,
but we donÕt have the money this second due to the bathroom. In a few weeks we
will. I ordered one pair of pants that are like jogging pants. That way if
these fit they will be ok for work and home. My shirts all feel fine. This is
good. I will only have to get some skirts and pants. I may try some cheap fat
people stores to see if they have things like plain skirts. Peasant skirts that
adjust might be good, too. Or, I can have Ken make me a couple. Fabric
shouldnÕt be too expensive. Especially in black and very plain. I need to do
something soon, since I will be expanding the next few months! I wonder if I
will actually show with all of this fat.
I donÕt feel anymore
convinced that I am actually with child. My mom seems way more excited, and
seems to talk about it more. Perhaps this will be great bonding time. She made
me a CD of baby songs that she thought I would enjoy during pregnancy. I canÕt
wait to listen to it. I have told bunches of people. Hell, if people donÕt know
yet, it is only out of me accidentally missing a group! I told Dani. I told
Scott Book. I figure he will mention it to Jason if Ken hasnÕt already told
him. Hopkins may not know yet, so we should email him. Conner. HmmmÉ I wonder
if anyone has mentioned it to him. Tiana may have. I did not know if he would
call me to tell me when he does find out. The next gathering of everyone
probably isnÕt until AaronÕs b-day in Dec! Then again, if I play ShadowRun with
these people, someone may in fact ask me how I am feeling. Since seeing people
is so rare and seems to only be reserved for birthdays, it is hard to say when
a bunch of people will be in the same room. I may need to email Mileena on my
own and not set up a big elaborate way to tell her and Ari. I just want to get
the news out in order to move forward. Granted, it has been entertaining
telling people. Especially when they seem to have the common reaction of
disbelief. It is as if we were too old to be having children. I mean, I know I
am 29, but its not like I am 45 announcing this! There are obviously a few
people close to me that get it. I suppose others may have just seen me as
career driven and content with cats!
I think we will probably go
to Colorado for Christmas. I hate leaving my folks, but we will probably only
go like 2 or 3 days. I figure if we fly out on the 23rd, I can have
Christmas with my parents either a day before or when we get back. Thanksgiving
should be here so that we can see Granddaddy. I figure for that reason, there
will be a pretty decent gathering. I wonder where we will have it. I would
suggest my house, but it is no where near being even able to be cleaned in time
and I know I wonÕt have that kind of energy to make a dinner of that magnitude!
9-21-04
Well, bad news this
morning. Apparently Granddaddy died last night. I do not know any details.
Apparently my folks are going out there today. I am at work and not sure if I
should just go home. It hit me harder than I thought it would. I donÕt know if
going home is the answer, but I am certainly having difficulty concentrating
right now. I can always go home and maybe clean the house and do some homework.
That will be easy enough to do and I wonÕt have to deal with anyone. In some
ways, I am glad he was able to pass if only so that he was no longer in pain.
Also, I am sure that even in sadness, Grammie will have an easier time so that
she doesnÕt have to worry all the time. I am not trying to sound cold, just
realistic.
9-22-04
Ok, today I have to go get
some blood work done. Apparently this is to test to make sure the baby doesnÕt
have anything like DownÕs syndrome or other things like that. I donÕt think it
is 100%, just a determination if there is a possibility of there being a
problem. I guess if they say its like really likely that the kid is defective
or something, I can make that decision of terminating the pregnancy. I am very
torn on that. I mean, part of me doesnÕt have any issue at all. If the baby has
a problem that they will have to deal with, and as selfish as it sounds, I have
to deal with, for the rest of its life, I donÕt want to put anyone through
that. I have a unique perspective in the idea that Matt has had to deal with so
many problems. My parents will never get the relief of having no kids in the
house and they will be forever burdened with caring for an autistic person.
Even with their occasional outbursts and my dadÕs frustration, they have been
rather stoic in their fate. I, on the other hand, am a very selfish individual.
I do not feel that I have the ability or patience to deal with that kind of
problem. Not to say that I would
not try. But I donÕt think it fair to a person with special needs to be
subjected to me. I am barely competent to deal with Matt when it comes time for
me to have to care for him. Granted, I may have more patience for my own child
as opposed to just a sibling. But I donÕt want to take that chance. Keeping this all in mind, what about
the idea that it has taken this long to experience pregnancy. I mean, do I
really want to terminate this condition now after all I have waited? Granted,
once again it comes down to me being selfish. Do I want to be fair to the child
or to me. If I choose to keep going, I am being selfish to my desire to be
pregnant. If I choose to end it, I am actually being good to the fetus, but in
turn, being selfish for not wanting a problem child. You can see my dilemma! I
know that I am not alone in this. I mean, Ken should have some say. Granted,
its my body, so it is ultimately my choice. Luckily he has similar views. I
would hate to take away a child from him, perfect or not. Yet I would hate to
present him with a challenge of that magnitude. So many choices! Hopefully this
is not a choice I need to make. I keep expecting there to be a complication
with this. I mean, it has been pretty smooth sailing, so truly any minute I
expect a problem.
I know I have been eating
more. My appetite has increased and it is actually kinda nice not feeling sick
every two minutes. But I still worry that I am making the wrong choices when it
comes to eating. I have stepped up the amount of bad foods. Then again, this
has been only over the last week, which is when the appetite seemed to finally
catch up with what the books have been saying. I am allowed to gain like 1
pound every 2 weeks or so. That will get me at the target of only 15 pounds. I
am 15 weeks, so I have 25 weeks to gain 15 pounds. Even though I started with a
deficit, I feel I should be careful. My weakness for sweets is going to catch up
to me! I am still exercising and so this is a good thing. I should probably try
walking some. Maybe at night. It would be good for both of us. I mean, I need
him to be healthy, too since his blood pressure is always bad. We are both so
busy at night, it may be hard. I will try to suggest it for tonight. Maybe 3
times a week or so. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. Just 30 minutes or so. Not
far. So I have decided to break the rule in one of the books. It said that I
should not cut my hair while pregnant. They say that often women will do
something drastic just because they feel all ugly and fat. Well, good news is
that I have been fat for some time. Truly, my hair is always a good two inches
shorter than it is right now, so it is not a drastic change, just going back to
normal. I am unhappy with the length it is at right now. It is never styled and
I think I look better with short if only for the fact that I tend to style it
more due to the cut! Plus, the color is changing because I have not dyed it in
a while. The ends are very dark and my top is gaining the grays back at an
alarming rate. So if I cut the bottom, I can get a not harmful hair dye and
color my hair with less hair. Perhaps I will convince Ken of my decision this
evening. He will be bummed. I mean, he likes me with longer hair and he also
knows that I sometimes do impulse stuff with my hair and he doesnÕt want me to
be frustrated later on. But my hair grows like crazy and if it sucks, it will
be this same length around the time of the delivery (if not sooner, I swear,
its like I have a chia pet on my head!). Besides, a good makeover is good for
me. I will have to get some new pants soon due to my big belly and new bras due
to these monstrous cans so I might as well have a new do to compliment it.
I have managed to not think
much about Granddaddy today. I feel better today about it. I am disappointed
that he will not get to meet my baby. I also have been trying to break down the
sadness. Apparently my cousin, Jason, left a message on GrammieÕs answering
machine that made my mom cry. She said that she was not aware of how close the
two of them had been. This made me question my own grief. I was not
particularly close to him. I am not all that close with most members of my
family. I donÕt know why this is. I mean, I have spent great deals of time with
them and even had relationships with them outside of family functions. Yet,
there is a barrier for me to get to know them better. This could be just how I
am with all people. My philosophy has always been the idea that regardless of
your ties to me with blood, they do not matter unless you are decent. Example,
I cannot ever call my dadÕs mom Grandma. She lost this privilege permanently
when she was unaware of my name on one occasion. However, my main reasoning
behind my dislike for her is the way she has treated both of my parents. With
my mother, her distain for her progressive life style with working full time to
support her family as opposed to being the stereotypical housewife has always
upset me. She is openly hostile towards her and I find it rude for this person
to force her views on someone. When it comes to her own son, she does the same
sort of thing. She has said such hurtful things as jabs about my father never
being able to see his brother again because he doesnÕt believe in god. Although
perhaps this is true in her religion, there is no reason to tell a grieving
family member that their lack of faith will cost them from seeing a loved one
again. She is a vile woman that doesnÕt deserve my affections let alone
respect. So taking this back to the idea of Grammie and Granddaddy, I donÕt
have these hostile view points of either of them. Granddaddy, although a quiet
man, was always kind to me. I know he was not as gentle with my mother or her
siblings, but then again, it was a different time. My mom seems distant from
him compared to Grammie, but I do not know the degree of this. There is a guilt
on my part that I did not get to know him better. I suppose a guilt that I
didnÕt know him at all. I knew him as a child. I remember playing in his
workshop where he made the screen doors. I loved the smell of that place. I
remember the horses and the cows. I remember being with Grammie a lot when I
visited, but I still was around them a lot. You would think that I would have
become closer. But truly, I am a shy person and it takes a lot to get to know
me. I worry that my own child will not get to know their grandparents well. I
mean, what if I pass on this trait of shyness and they are more inclined to be
by my side as opposed to either set of grandparents? I hope to send my child to
KenÕs folks for a week at a time in summertime just so they get to know them
better. They have the fortunate advantage of living very close to my parents.
Sundays will be spent bowling and they will get to be around these people. I
also hope to share the story of Granddaddy with them so that they understand
the guilt associated with taking family for granted. I mean, in the end, even
with lots of friend, these are the people that will be there for you. I know
this sounds like a after school special, but I have found that it is true.
As we seem to get older, I
see less and less of my friends. I seem to see more and more of my family.
Holidays are spent at relatives houses and even free time. I see my friends on
special occasions, but they are becoming fewer and fewer in number. Sure, I
talk to Brandy a couple times a week and Ken has Aaron. But with Brandy, what
happens as she has more family stuff? She already has two kids and a husband
and lots of family stuff as it is. With the acquisition of in-laws, I have
found that a great deal of my time is spent going up north and seeing them for
more occasions than I even see Jenni. Once the kids are grown seems like the
ideal time to rekindle friendships, but by then it may be too late. Luckily I
had some really good bonds before the growing up seemed to happen. Even though
I have drifted back and forth with people like Dani, I know that we will be
friends for as long as I pursue it. Jenni will be there and Brandy will
probably be at my side when I am dying. I am going to lose people like Conner,
but I know that it happens. I just hope that as my kid reads this at some point
that they understand that growing up, as cool as it sounds, is a pain in the
ass. Perhaps they will not have the same issues. I mean, I know my growing up
and even adult life at this point is way different from my momÕs. I have
friends outside my house and I have activities that I do, whereas I donÕt think
she had as much. So perhaps it will change more for my children.
Ok, I have rambled for some
time now. I will wrap it up!
10-01-04
16 weeks down, 24 to go.
Not bad thus far. I am super tired this morning. My 5 hours of sleep really
sucks on these days. I have reports to do here at work but I donÕt get to start
them for a few hours. I donÕt want to start any huge projects for fear that I
will have to stop mid stream. What a pain!!
My tummy seems to be
pooching more. I think that this is a good thing. It means my body is shaping
like a pregnant person. I suppose I should take pictures or something. My new
fear is my scar. It has been a little itchy and sore. The expansion is hard on
it. It looks like the scar tissue is attached to something internal. So my
concern is that as I expand, that connection will become thinner and eventually
break. Now, granted, I am all for my scar to not indent my stomach, but I have
this horrible vision of my scar snapping and hurting like hell. Plus, what
about internal bleeding from the tear! I realize that these fears are probably
unwarranted, but who knows what to expect. Like I could see it happening when
the baby drops into that position. Right now its high, but when this sudden
shift of girth goes south, it will need room! Well, hopefully the gradual thing
will happen and it will not be a problem. I am not even sure what they would do
if it was! It means that I may need to consider the whole c section thing for
this baby and try to get the scar cut out. I will have excess skin during this
pregnancy so the doc should be able to cut me and get it all cleaned up. It
would be new scar tissue, but it may be able to be set better. I mean, this
scar is the result of complications, so its not as though it is normal.
Its funny, I still donÕt
feel like I am pregnant. I mean, I certainly have symptoms and stuff, its just
it still hasnÕt hit me. I have to say, the coolest thing though is when Ken
puts his hands on my belly. I mean, it looks all sitcom how he does it. It is
really cool. Plus, just the feel of his hands on my belly feel reassuring. I
know, sorry for the cheese moment. I will try to keep those to a minimum. I
worry about my child. I mean, my work place is such a bad place for me. I just
passed this one girl in the hall and smiled at her and she just glared at me
briefly before turning away. I mean, donÕt get me wrong, the feeling towards
her is mutual, but still, in a professional setting, even a smile is
reasonable. There is part of me that wants to quit to just get out of the
environment. Yet more of me wants to fight these people and not run from their
scorn. This tension that it causes on me probably affects my unborn. I mean, is
this kid going to come out and be already set up to hate the world. I mean, I
never hated the world when I was younger. However, I donÕt think my mom had the
same hostility that I do.
Granted, the other set of
time in my life that I am not here, I am very happy. I think about Ken and it
still actually makes me giddy inside to know he is my husband. I get along very
well with my folks and this makes me feel really good about my family. I adore
KenÕs family and I feel like I grew up with them because they make me feel so
welcome. My friends, even though occasionally flaky (ok, who am I kidding, they
are very at times!!) are good people. I know that even though I donÕt spend
enough time with them, I am always very happy that they are in my life. My
house, as tore up as it is right now due to work on it, is still my house. How
cool is that?!? Then I have the precious furry things that truly are some of
the best things that have ever happened to me. I mean, this morning at 3 am,
Jedzia decided to come and be all affectionate with Ken and I. She was purring
and curling up with me and in a lot of ways, being obnoxious while trying to
get me to scritch her. But even with the fact that I was trying to sleep and I
was not interested in appeasing her, it was still so cool to have her that
dedicated to loving us.
So perhaps I have nothing
to worry about since the stress at work only happens for a little bit during
the work day, or I have a lot to worry about since I just spent yet another
chuck of writing dedicated to the cheese factor. Seriously, these pregnancy
hormones are a strange thing. I mean, I was watching Cops this morning (look,
it is on before the news, its not like I sought it out!) and this guy (as a
side note, I really am unsure of its gender, but due to the lack of any form of
breasts, I am voting boy) got delivered some of his stolen property that had
been recovered from a stong operation that the police were conducting. The dude
started to get a little teary at a watch that his dad had owned. I almost lost
it! Its Cops for Christ sake! I mean, who gets emotional after having watched
no more than 2 minutes of this drivel? IÕd like to say it doesnÕt help that I
was tired, but seriously, it doesnÕt matter. What is really funny is that it
will only get worse!
10-13-04
Ok, so I have news. I can
now stop referring to the fetus as an it. ItÕs a boy! Yesterday we went to get
an ultrasound for them to measure things like how big he is, etc. It was really
cool! They had a big tv that we watched on as she moved around on my tummy. He
looked like a little person! I mean, he has a head, toes, fingers, everything!
He waved a little. He also actually sucked his thumb while we watched. I mean,
it was like pictures in the books! So they were checking out his bottom and
sure enough, there was an additional appendage there indicating that our first
would be Robert Allen Brenan 2.0. So way cool! I was a little bummed if only
for GrammieÕs sake with the whole race for 5 generations of girls, but I swear,
this is the most excited Ken has been visually. After the appt, we went to his
class after and on the way, he was all calling his family with the news of it
being a boy. I mean, he was so thrilled, it almost made me cry! So freaking
cute!
This did mean, however,
there is no such thing as this intuition thing from other people. I mean,
Jenni, Brandy, Dani, hell, just about everyone I talked to knew it would be a girl. Not so
much. This of course made me laugh so hard!! I know I will have a girl next, so
I am so thrilled to have given Ken a little boy. I told him I would, but I was
still a little worried. I am excited. I think a little boy will be easier the
first time around. I mean, easier to clean and stuff. It is going to be way
fun. Easier to dress. I mean, all of his hand me downs will be reasonable for a
little girl. I mean, donÕt get me wrong, if it was the other way around, I would
have dressed a little boy in girls clothing. The good news is that I feel
great.
Tired this morning, but
that is because I didnÕt get enough sleep. I have lost 10 pounds since the
beginning and still have a strange appetite. I canÕt eat the same amount I used
to. Like this morning I got a ultimate breakfast sandwich. It is pretty big,
but I used to eat the whole thing. I ate like 4 bites of it, then ate just the
ham out of it. I threw away most of it. I was also good yesterday. I walked
from Lincoln to my folks. KenÕs class was there, so I thought I would go show
my dad the pics of his grandson. So I am making sure to exercise and I feel
pretty good.
Jenni is coming on Friday
and we are going to a slumber party on Saturday at DaniÕs. So it will pretty fun
to hang out with the girls all weekend. It gives Ken a chance to just hang out,
too. So this is all good. We need to make sure to have some time to ourselves.
With this whole family thing approaching us, it is good to make sure to still
be individuals with different things that we can bring to the relationship.
I feel pretty jazzed right
now. This whole mommy thing is actually starting to sink in. I mean, to go from
calling my growth an it to a he helps. I saw him move around and got to watch him
kick me. As a side note, when I start to be able to feel those kicks, I am in
so much trouble. He looked strong!! So to be able to know this is my child,
even though he is still in fetus stage, is pretty freaking cool! It hasnÕt
changed my beliefs on abortion or anything like that. It just changed my
connection with what is going on inside me. I donÕt have an instant love or
anything, but I do have a lot of awe. Another strange thought, with a little
boy I so get to give him a Mohawk!!! YAY!
10-20-04
Ok, so this whole boy thing
has started to sink in. It has been a week and it is getting easier to remember
to refer to the fetus as a ŅhimÓ instead of an ŅitÓ. Brandy has corrected me a
few times, but I am sure I will get better. It is also fun to refer to him as
Ņyour sonÓ to Ken. I like watching his eyes light up. I have felt a few more
flutters in my uterus that I am assuming is him. It is a strange feeling and
next to impossible to describe. It is supposed to get stronger and more
identifiable as the weeks go by. I think that in a couple weeks it may even get
to the point where Ken will be able to feel it on the outside. I am very tired
today. I started having bad dreams last night and so I did not sleep well. Ken
got home late and I stayed up to wait till he got in due to it being all
raining out so bottom line is that I am paying for it today. Luckily I have
already finished a lot of my work and I just have meetings and follow ups
today. I also need to finish my homework. That part is easy, it is waiting on
my group that is a pain in the ass!! I am sure my kids will read this at some
point. So I would like to say, if you can help it, try to always get in a team
or work group that pulls their own weight!
10-25-04
Well, I can officially say
that I feel him. A lot. I mean, this afternoon, I think he was dancing or
something! And just think, this is nothing compared to how it will feel in a
few weeks! I am at the mid way point. 20 weeks this week. Wow! I canÕt believe
that it has gone so fast. Yet it has gone slow at the same time. Hard to
explain. I feel tired, and currently I have a bit of a headache, but other than
that, I feel pretty good. However, I feel huge!! The pants I have on right now
donÕt fit. My tummy has bulged out to actually kinda look pregnant. It is kinda
cool. Lame only in the sense that this severely limits me in my wardrobe
selections. I have a few dresses that I may need to start wearing again even
though they are more nice than I feel up to wearing every day. Plus, it is
getting cold out and pants are way more practical. Although, I am always hot,
so a sweater should suffice when I get a chill. I will have to see what I have.
We are going up north in a
couple weeks, so KenÕs mom and I are going through patterns to choose some
outfits she is going to make me. That will help. Plus, I canÕt imagine they are
hard to make. So she can send them down and I will be set. Ken hasnÕt made me
my other skirts, but then again, it has been kinda hectic. I need to make sure
I have a good outfit for his tournament since I will be on my feet much of the
day. I also need to figure out if I have anything nice for the weekend we are
up at his parentsÕ. It is Papa BrenanÕs 70th b-day. So apparently we are
planning big. ItÕs funny, next July we are going back east for Virg and RayÕs
70th wedding anniversary. That means Bob was born when they got married! How
crazy is that!
Halloween is this Sunday. I
need to get some kind of costume for Friday. Just because everyone else is
dressing up. I think we will just need to go by a costume shop this week. I
have put no thought into it, but I have been doing other stuff. Plus, there are
no parties or anything that I am going to, so there has been no need to stress.
On the actual day, we just hand out candy, so I can just sit on my porch. I
considered having it look like a fetus was crawling out of my stomach, but I
was afraid people would get all weird. They do not take too kindly to my sense
of humor. Apparently I am supposed to be all crazy in love with the baby now. I
pointed out that I donÕt know him yet. I mean, no offense when you read this
later, but seriously, you are kind of not real yet. I know you will be and I
know I will love you more than I can imagine, however, right now, it is hard
for me to have that love yet. I donÕt feel guilty about it. Apparently, this is
a normal reaction. I am excited and thrilled about this adventure. I am really
enjoying being pregnant. Ok, well, except for the whole not drinking thing and
no coke. That is kind of annoying. I know that I will also enjoy being the mom
part. But I am also enjoying just having something weird going on and knowing I
donÕt have to stress about the mom part yet.
10-29-04
Ok, for Halloween I decided
that it seemed appropriate to be a pregnant nun. Kinda fun. Side note, a couple
of days ago I had my first unsolicited tummy rub. MaryAnn (crazy woman with
personal space issues at work who is like 65) came up and asked how I was, and
then rubbed my tummy. I expected to punch the first person to do this in the
face. But surprisingly it was not all that unpleasant. In fact, it was kinda
cool in a weird way. I think it helped cement that others actually know I am
pregnant. I told some girl today at work why my costume today was funny due to
my impending motherhood and she didnÕt even know I was pregnant. I am 5 months
(according to one of the many prego calendars) so it seems odd that there
hasnÕt even been word of mouth from a few people. Makes you wonder who knows,
who doesnÕt and truly, who even cares.
Yesterday I actually
skipped class because I was so tired. I slept from about 6 to 4 this morning. I
was up off and on, but not a lot. Sad thing is, I am still tired! But not as
bad as I was yesterday. I wonder why the sudden exhaustion. I also did not eat
much yesterday and truly was running around a lot. Ken locked his keys in his
car, so I left work to save him. I opted to hang out with him at his class. We
went to lunch and then over to the tournament site. That was a lot of walking.
It was especially bad as I opted to wear these shoes with heels because it had
been raining. So these were more water proof than my sandals. Apparently I have
forgotten how to walk in them since it seemed like I was in slow motion! It may
have been my tiredness, too, but who knows.
I donÕt have much scheduled
for this weekend. Well, letÕs see, I go teach mom excel. Then we are going to
some surprise party for a person we donÕt know. Tonight I have to go with Ken
to meet with the guy from Pizza Hut in order to finalize our order for the
tournament. Then we need to go and get some candy for Sunday. We have like 2
bags, which will so not cut it. Sunday I guess all we have is bowling and the
trick-or-treaters. We should clean the house since we go up north next weekend.
It means we should clean out the car and maybe get the oil changed. Too much!!
I had been getting a little worried since the few movements I had been feeling
were not happening the last 2 days. Luckily, last night I felt them quite a bit
when I went to bed. Apparently it happens more frequent when lying down. Plus,
I am still early to have them super regular. In a few weeks, I should feel it
stronger.
I have an OB appt next
Friday. I am guessing I will get scheduled for another Glucose test since I
think you do it at like 23 or 24 weeks. Next week I will be 21, so they will
have me go one of those weeks since it will be in between the times in which I
go to my next appt. I wonder if I need any other tests. I donÕt remember
reading about any others. I also wonder if I will have an ultrasound. I guess
it depends on if he can find the heartbeat. If they canÕt, then they scan me. I
kinda hope they have to scan again as it has been kinda neat having a record
like that of the development. I still donÕt believe that I am actually
pregnant. Yet as I said that, I felt movement. I guess I keep thinking
something will either go wrong or I will wake up. I am also still terrified of
the end process. I guess it would be weird if I was not. I have been very good
about doing my kegels. I have set up a reminder to pop up every hour. I do a
set of 5, each one counting to 10.
11-9-04
Sorry for the delay in
updates. Not that there is much. Went to the doctor on the 5th and everything
is fine. He was able to detect the heart beat with the Doppler device. I also
did not gain any weight. Although, Ken thinks that I did but that the weight
gained was baby and I lost more fat. My fat rolls are shrinking a little, yet
my tummy is huge! Ok, not huge, but it seems that way. I am carrying my weight
way different now. I waddle a lot. Last night while trying to sleep, I noticed
the roundness of my tummy. Most of my clothing is becoming obsolete sooner than
I had expected. I donÕt know what I expected, though. I mean, I am at 5 months
at this point and my weight basically has all started to shift to my front.
Even my back rolls have diminished. I am pretty excited about all of this. Who
knew pregnancy would be the best diet I could ever go on?
I have also debated on
making this journal address to my unborn. I mean, to some degree this is for
him. I want him to read this at some point and know what I was dealing with
during his negative months. I guess I do know, however, that this may never be
something he cares about. I mean, sometimes I forget that just because I would
want to read something like this doesnÕt mean everyone would. So I have decided
to make this still my random thoughts addressed to no one in particular.
Stress is heavy at home
right now as KenÕs tournament is in two weeks. We lost a weekend as we went up
to KenÕs folks this past weekend for Papa BrenanÕs 70th birthday. There is some
talk of going back this weekend as Donna and Warren are supposed to be coming.
This is significant as she had a stroke about 12 years ago or so and has had a lot
of problems. They had lost contact with KenÕs parents and so it is pretty cool
they are coming. I think the relationship there is that Donna was like an
adopted daughter to them. As much as it would be nice to go, we need to build 6
tables this weekend along with putting together a lot more stuff. Who knows
what the plan will be. Anyways, I just wanted to do a quick update!
Ok, so I had some more time
so I thought I would continue on this. As a by the way, I am 22 weeks as of
tomorrow. So I guess that would pretty much make me 5 months. I figure that is
more accurate than being 5 months at 20 weeks. I mean, really, I am at 5 months
more at say 24 to 25 weeks. But as far as lunar months they count me as 5
months since in lunar time, I guess we are pregnant for 10 months. Pregnancy
math is worse than algebra! Then again, I may not go 40 weeks. I may go 38 or
even 42. So truly it is all a guess. I think I am farther along that I am
calculating based on the size at my last ultrasound. So I figure if I say about
5 months I am covered.
So that random thought
aside, I am having a bit of stress lately. This whole Lego tournament means
that Ken is not home all week. I mean, he has classes in the day and then
Tuesday through Thursday he does team meetings. Which means the house is a sty.
I am very frustrated since a lot of this I canÕt move anywhere since it is all
stuff for the tournament. I can do dishes and laundry. I did the former last
night, so laundry is my task today. It is just frustrating since Ken has designated
himself the house husband since I am working so much. So he said he would
handle household stuff. But if he doesnÕt do it, it doesnÕt get done. I am so
tired when I get home, I feel like collapsing. I tried to do more last night,
but he made me sit. So I basically am unable to function as a housewife at all.
Plus, there are some other things that need to be moved that I cannot lift
right now. So much crap!! So I think I will do the laundry tonight and clean up
the bedroom. That way we have two fully clean rooms. That should be good. I may
end up being tired, but it is worth it at this point. I will be less stressed.
11-11-04
I am quite sleepy. I made
the mistake of going to the last two Lego sessions with Ken, which meant I got
home past bedtime. I also did not exercise. I need to start up again next week.
I donÕt want to gain all of my weight back. Plus, I think that it will help
with my tiredness. It tends to. I have class tonight. I really wish I did not.
We have a presentation and the final and I am dreading it. Not that either will
be hard, just nerve racking. The people in my group screwed up the presentation
last time and we went over the time. We have 20 minutes tonight, so hopefully
we will cover everything. It will be fine. Besides, before I know it, today
will be over and I will be in bed. I really need some sleep. I will be up late
Friday working on tournament stuff with Ken, but I plan on sleeping in
Saturday. This weekend is building tables and getting everything together. Its
crunch time and we have a lot to do. Luckily none of it is hard. Just some
organization. Once the tables are built, we will be sitting pretty good. I also
want to make the registration packets this weekend. So we need to go by Office
Depot. We also still need to do a Costco run, which may take place next
Wednesday. Friday after work I need to go to the tournament site and bark
orders until Ken gets there. Not too bad. We have to get the pit area set up.
The volunteers are doing the manual labor so I donÕt have to. I have to make
sure to take it easy on the day of. I mean, last year I didnÕt eat all day, had
very little sleep and was exhausted when we were done. I canÕt do that this
year. I will have to eat something, I will have to sit every now and again. I
am dreading Lego Land. I mean, with Aaron being mostly useless there, I am sure
I will have to do a lot of organizing. I am going to need to bring my backpack
with lots of magazines. I remember a lot of down time, too, where I sat by
myself for some time. Ken spent the whole time with the kids in the actual
competition room. Plus, the kids tend to practice. This year, I think we will
bring our own table so we donÕt need to sign up for one. That way we can have
our own little camp where everyone stays. Plus, since truly we are mostly only
in two places, practice land and competition land, I donÕt need to move much.
All the same, it tends to be rather dull and lame. But it goes by pretty quick.
I mean, Ken starts his whole deal at like 9 and then we are done by 4 or so. I
think Lego Land is only open till like 6. Last year we stayed at a hotel there
and sat in the Jacuzzi. I donÕt think we will do that this year. We might as
well drive home and sleep in our own bed. That way we donÕt have to drive the next
day. Plus, we will be home. And we will save some money. Then again, we tend to
be so tired that even a two hour drive seems too long. I guess we will figure
it out when we are there. We thought we would make it a cool tradition to stay
at this Holiday Inn and eat at TGIFridays and get drunk. The restaurant is in
the hotel lot so you can walk to the restaurant and then back to your room. So
last year we both got hammered. It was way fun. But this year I canÕt drink nor
can I sit in the hot tub. The only appeal is rest. But I think I would rather
be at home. My wild and crazy days may be behind me. Well, no, not true. If I
wasnÕt pregnant, we would do it. And next year, who knows, maybe we will leave
Bobby with my folks for the weekend. He will be 8 months and Lego Land may be
too much for him. Dunno what we will do. I would like to think that we will
still have those wild things. Besides, at that point, we may be working on
getting pregnant again. I mean, if we wait till after I am done breastfeeding
and maybe a month or two after that, we would get pregnant and have a kid like
when Bobby was a year and a half or so. Plus, it took so long to get knocked up
this time, perhaps trying sooner than later would be a better plan. If we start
trying in like the December after he is born, that gives me a couple months in
between breastfeeding and stuff to go out and do some heavy drinking and stuff.
Then if we get pregnant right away, we would have a baby in like Sept or Oct.
If it takes a while, we would just have a bigger difference in their ages,
which is fine. Then again, I have no idea if I would want to be pregnant again
that soon. Not that this has been a chore or anything. Granted, only 5 months
in, I have a ways to go before I decide it has been walk in the park.
Another side note, we need
to decide who watches the kids if we die. I know this is horribly morbid, but
it needs to be discussed. I think that my parents are first. I mean, they are
close and not as old as his parents. Not that age is much, but this makes just
more sense. But if parents are dead, I think we have discussed Andy and Scott.
I think Holly is great, but I donÕt want my children growing up in such a
conservative household. They will certainly get exposed to this enough from
visits, but I need them to be able to grow. But truly, I donÕt know if Andy and
Scott would want to take on a kid. We also have to change our insurance and
stuff to show our kids as the benefactors if we die. Right now it all goes to
Matt.
I was reading up on the
hospital and they have a whole tour of the maternity facilities. That should be
cool. It will be nice to see what we are in store for. I figure on Sunday after
bowling we should go down to the hospital and get registered. I donÕt want to
wait till the last minute on that. The good news is they have private rooms for
maternity. So it will just be us. I guess I can have two guests in the room at
a time. I donÕt know who will be there. Like I donÕt know if my parents will
come to the hospital or not. I think they will. But I wouldnÕt be surprised it
they didnÕt. I mean, there is not much for them to do there. I know Brandy will
come for part of it. If Jenni is down, she will. KenÕs mom told me she will fly
down as soon as we tell her I am in labor. So I figure when we go to the
hospital, Ken can make a few phone calls once I am comfortable in the room.
Then again, I have no idea how long I will be. I could go in and go straight to
delivery! That would suck only because then I would not get my epidural. But I
would think once I start having those regular contractions or my water breaks
we can go, get checked in, get a room and let them do there thing. Then as we
wait, let Ken make calls. His mom said that she would come down the day after,
but if I am still in labor, we might as well let her know so she can make
arrangements to come down. She has some singing thing the weekend that I am
due. I am due Tuesday, she has singing Saturday. So It may work out ok if I am
a little early or on time. She said baby is more important, but still, I donÕt
want her to miss it. She can always come out after. Plus, we are going up a
couple weeks after, so it should be fine. A C section may add to some
discomfort on travel so soon after, so who knows how feasible this may be. I
wonder if I should take some pictures of my tummy now. I mean, itÕs not huge,
but it is notably different. Then as I grow, I have a pictorial to go along
with this entire dialog. Maybe at
each month.
Ok, so I just looked up
where I would be. I am 22 weeks and apparently at 22 weeks, you are starting
your 6th month, or the third phase of the second trimester. Look at this:
|
Trimester |
Month |
Week |
|
|
one |
1-4 |
|
two |
5-8 |
|
|
three |
9-13 |
|
|
|
four |
14-17 |
|
five |
18-21 |
|
|
six |
22-26 |
|
|
|
seven |
27-30 |
|
eight |
31-35 |
|
|
nine |
36-40 |
How scary is that! I mean,
this is saying I am way farther than I considered! I have been saying 5 months
since that made more sense. If you go lunar, it ends up being like 10 months,
so I was calculating weeks and even though 4 weeks is how the lunar one does
it, I was saying like 5 weeks between months. But I guess I am closer to 6.
11-22-04
It has been some time since
I wrote last, but it has been hectic. KenÕs tournament was this past Saturday
and wow I am beat!! I rested all day yesterday, however, I needed to rest more.
The good news is that it is over now. Although, we still have Legoland, but
that is usually less stressful. Hell, if it is too hard on me, I can always get
a wheelchair! If Aaron is as much of a pain in the ass as last time I may kill
him. It looks as though he has some new girlfriend person so perhaps she will
come and take care of him.
Fetus Bob, as my parentÕs
now affectionately refer to him as, has been way active. Last night and this
morning he has been moving a lot. I will probably need to take a nap when I get
home. Ken is supposed to be able to help out more with the housework now that
Lego is almost all done. I know he has some tournament aftermath to deal with,
but I figure in a few days I should have a clean house and my husband back so I
have someone to share this whole baby thing with. That will be nice. I canÕt
believe how heavy I feel in my gut. I mean, I walk so funny now and feel like I
need something to hold me up. At only 24 weeks, I am in trouble! I mean, I know
I will get bigger, so it should be interesting on how this works for my
comfort. I have a big drive in 4 weeks to go up north so I wonder how much of a
pain it will be. It should not be too bad since I am sitting, but still, it
will be crazy to see how much bigger I get. Thanksgiving is this week, so I get
to show off my gut to the family in a couple days. Luckily I donÕt have to
drive for too long then.
11-24-04
Happy day before
Thanksgiving! I am still in recovery mode from the tournament. Apparently when
you are knocked up it takes longer. I was sleeping off and on from 6 last
night! Luckily a four day weekend is ahead of me and so I should be able to
recover. I am supposed to see Conner at some point this weekend and I am not
sure how I feel about it. I mean, I am guessing he knows. I am also wondering
if it will be brought up. It is so hard to say with him. He may just wait for
me to bring it up when in reality I am the last person who will!
We have turkey and stuff at
my cousin JustinÕs house tomorrow. ItÕs about an hour and a half away so not
too bad. After I am thinking we need to go by BrandyÕs to say hello. I donÕt
know the plan yet. Since I donÕt have to go to work on Friday, I donÕt feel as
stressed to get home. I have eaten too much in the last couple days. I need to
slow down. I had some noodle stuff last night and I felt yucky all night. I
know it is because I ate too much. My stomach doesnÕt allow that anymore. I had
a salad at lunch today and that was just right.
Tonight I am going with Ken
to his Lego League meeting. When will this stuff end?!?!?! Actually, it is not
too bad. I just need to make sure to bring something to read. Maybe I will have
him stop by the store so I can pick up some milk and magazines. My heartburn
has been out of control since the noodle incident last night. They were not
even all that spicy, but I guess enough of it was. Or perhaps that is just how
he is sitting now. The tums do not seem to do as much when it gets to this
level. Only milk does. So when I get home I will have some milk and I should be
ok. We also have to go and see about returning some soda. We bought too much
for the tournament and hopefully Costco will take some back. I doubt it,
though. We are only returning all of the diet stuff, so truly, there is not too
much. Then again, maybe we are returning it all!
I have 15 minutes more of
work. I canÕt believe they did not let us go early. Oh well. It just means my
overtime counts. I will need to remember to send this to my laptop so I can
update it on vacation during Christmas. I will probably forget, but then again
there is a lot of sitting around time at his parentsÕ. Ok, so I guess I will
wrap this up. Hopefully I have work in my box. Who am I kidding, I finished
everything!!
12-1-04
Ok, Thanksgiving weekend
sucked big time. Got sick! Actually, Ken, my mom and even Grammie got sick! We
think food poisoning. Justin had the flu, but it came on too quick for it to be
that. Plus, we didnÕt have a fever or anything. Just vomit and diarrhea for
days. Friday night we left the movies and Ken threw up on the way home. I got
sick around 2 in the morning. He was up every hour with vomit, whereas I was
just up since my stomach just hurt. I only threw up like 3 times total, so it
ended up taking me longer to recover. I only was able to really eat and digest
properly last night for the first time! Fetus Bob is fine, though. He was
kicking the whole time. I assumed I would have problems with him since I did
not eat for 2 whole days. Plus, any fluids I drank came back up. I still have a
lot of gas and bloating, but at least I am back to solid poo and I can eat
again. It was miserable. My body ached and I was exhausted. It was really hard
on me. Luckily I am ok again.
So now this weekend I put
myself through another long day. Legoland tournament is this weekend. It should
be less stressful than last year. We are not taking as much stuff, so nothing
to carry. Plus, we do not have to be responsible for Aaron this year, since we
are playing the pregnancy card. My whole goal is to sit and read a bunch of
magazines and make sure Ken stays hydrated. Pretty laid back, I would imagine.
I am pretty sure we are staying down there. What the hell, right? I think I
will go in the hot tub since I know I can go in as long as it is not too hot.
We can go have a nice dinner as just us. Plus, we can maybe sight see the next
day or something. Very relaxing, I think. So I am actually looking forward to
it this time. Even though I donÕt get to drink, it should be cool. Next year I
will have a 9 month old, so it will be way more crazy so I might as well enjoy
it while I can! I need to go buy some magazines and I think I need to finally
break down and buy some maternity pants. Jenni thinks I can try Target, but I will
also probably need to go to JC PennyÕs since they have plus size maternity
clothing. I need a couple pairs of pants for work and maybe a pair of jeans. My
shirts all fit fine, it is just my pants that do not. I want to be comfortable
in Legoland and the sweats I have may prove to be too hot for the sun. Jeans
will be less of a problem. I figure I am 6 months along at this point so there
is no shame in buying a few clothing items. I buy more than that normally! I
may even try a big and tall store for men and see about a pair of overalls or
something like that. They may fit more the way I like since they will ride
lower on my hips. Then again, the jeans may be too baggy in the legs and too
tight in the tummy! Overalls would be ok, though. I could always try I think
its Western Surplus. I seem to recall them having big stuff. I donÕt want to
order it since I want to try stuff on.
We registered on Friday
(this was hours before we were dying). That was cool. I know this will sound
awful, but I really hope a lot of people get us stuff. Mostly because there is
so much to get and it would help a lot. Here is my token nasty statement. I
mean, I have put so much into the system, isnÕt it time I get back? Ok, enough
of that! I am feeling nice today. We only registered for stuff we were pretty
sure we needed. I have a feeling we will need to buy stuff like the stroller
thing and the crib, but then again, that seems pretty minor. We had our
consumer reports book to tell us the best stuff, which was pretty entertaining.
Dani said she had a bunch of stuff for us, so we may not need too much of the
stuff we asked for, but I thought it would be safer to put it there.
I guess my shower wonÕt be
until Feb, so I need to start cracking on a guest list. I may wait to see how
Brandy wants to handle it since she is doing most of this. I know she doesnÕt
want me to know yet so it should be interesting to see how it goes. I kinda
want boys there, too, but I also donÕt want to bore the few that may show. I
think Aaron wants to go and I really want Ken and even my dad there. So maybe
she will do that. Dunno. I figure if I work on an address book of people I know
now, I can give it to her at some point and she can decide. I also donÕt know
how much family would go. Like, I know my mom will, and I am pretty sure KenÕs
mom would. I know Grammie will. But like, my aunts may not be able to due to
work and stuff. Or KenÕs sisters and stuff. I would love them there, buy LynÕs
schedule is so hectic with work and Holly is in Colorado! I guess I will have
to see. I know Brandy will do good. She knows how long I have been waiting for
this. She really wants this to be special for me so I will just have to
relinquish control over this aspect of my life. This seems fine with me,
surprisingly. I am feeling that I can release control a little easier with some
things lately.
Now keep in mind, I am
feeling very peaceful right now. I am not sick anymore so everything is less
irritating for the first time in 4 days. I am rested and happy. Hell, in 20
minutes I could want someoneÕs head on a stick. I am not even sure how much of
this is pregnancy related. Although, the other day I did break down crying over
nothing. I was tired and I had a crappy day. I got home and was stressed since
I needed to change clothes to go to the chiropractor. Due to nothing fitting
properly anymore and the few things that did were not matching anything clean I
had, I got even more stressed. To top it all off, I slammed my finer in the
dresser drawer. Ken comes in and I started crying. I thought it was ridiculous
that I was crying and told him so, but I couldnÕt help it. He was very cool
about it, but it was awful. I had no control over my emotions! Hell, when I was
sick I just wanted to cry. I think that being tired keeps my will power too
weak to fight off the hormones. So it is important that I stay rested!
Ok, side cute note about
Ken. Last night I went to his Lego League meeting and I was talking to one of
the parents. She tells me that Ken is so excited about the baby. I guess he
talks about it a whole lot. I mean the man did announce to the entire
tournament that he couldnÕt do anything without me and then told them all I was
carrying his son and made me come out in front of them all. Makes me a little
misty eyed thinking about it! Anyways, if ever there is a doubt from anyone
that he doesnÕt get excited, he does. He just sometimes shows it differently
than others. Plus, he has been so stressed about the Lego stuff that I think it
will become even more apparent as the weeks go by. This parent actually told me
that she thinks we will make the best parents. I was very flattered since I
strive to be similar to her. Her kids are so smart and well behaved and truly,
what I would love as children. Plus, she and her husband seem very similar to
Ken and I, so perhaps we will be ok. I am still scared.
Stupid me, by the way.
Yesterday I watched a couple of discovery channel shows called Birth Day. These
go through the whole labor (ok, not whole, but condensed for TV) process of a
couple women. It shows complications and different ways people decide to have
babies. Like no drugs or long labor, etc. I cannot even describe how gross it
looks. The kid comes out purple. Honest to god, purple! Not to mention if there
is any tearing or what not, he is
covered in a ton of blood. They toss this kid on the momÕs tummy and he just
looks like an alien. He turns normal color pretty quick. I mean, while on her
tummy, the kid turns color while you watch. ItÕs like one of those toys that
change color with the temperature. I mean, I am sure it is different when it is
mine. Then again, I may end up making some stupid crack like, they look, itÕs
like Quentin Tarrantino delivered my child, or oh my gosh, get that alien off
me! Who knows. I will also be under extreme medication so it is so hard to say.
I may just sob or laugh the whole time. Who knows. If I am tired, I can bet
money I will be crying worst than the kid!
12-3-04
Ok, I think that I perhaps
had too much sugar this morning. I feel wired, yet very sleepy. I have checked
my pulse and it is fine. But I feel all jittery like I had some speed or
something. It could be the orange soda I am drinking. Or I could just be tired
enough that I canÕt function properly so my body had taken to being all
spastic. I am not sure if this is bad or not yet. I think that I can probably
wait it out since it is not like I am having problems breathing and my chest
doesnÕt hurt or anything. My arms hurt, but not really. It feels more like I
was lifting stuff in the last day or so. I should get up and walk around. I
started drinking straight water right now to see if this helps. I may walk to
the bathroom as that may help calm me down. I have to wait until after the
Movie Beat on KROQ first.
So I am actually wearing my
underwear below my tummy today. I decided to try it. The particular underwear I
have on are cotton so they donÕt seem to ride on my scar too much. So far so
good. It is weird that it makes such a difference in my world. I think that
perhaps if something goes against the norm with me it can really fuck me up.
Maybe I am more autistic than Matt?
Ok, I am now feeling much
better. I drank a bunch of water and my crazies have subsided. It has been a
couple hours so perhaps that is really why. I swear, anyone who reads this will
get dizzy!
I keep thinking I should
set up a blog or something. Like maybe even set up a web site for the progress
of fetus bob. Plus, it would be a place to put up pics later when he is baby
bob. Granted, I realize it isnÕt too original, but then again, who fucking
care.
A lot of profanity today. I
wonder where that is coming from. I am curious if I will tone down my language
once I am a real mommy. I mean, right now I think I will not. But yet I donÕt
swear in front of the kids in KenÕs class. I also will not swear in front of
Evie or Daniel. Then again, those are not my kids. There are good arguments for
and against my potty mouth. Obviously kids repeat everything and a swearing
toddler is not always accepted in society. Even though it may be funny as hell
to me, it may turn out to be embarrassing. I mean, if a kid says anything
inappropriate it could be bad. I get embarrassed when people do stupid stuff on
tv, so if it is my own, I may be more inclined to be upset. There is the
potential that they will get in trouble at school. People could think less of
me as a parent. Now my counter to all of these. Kids are going to say something
they shouldnÕt no matter what I do. Even if I am so careful as to not say shit
in front of them, he will say something else that could be bad. As far as
parents or people thinking less of me, I could give a shit. I mean, they
already think less of me because I refer to my unborn as a fetus as opposed to
my baby. So truly, I get a lot of pleasure in pissing off people who donÕt
think. My arrogance towards the sheep of the world has truly taken over my
entire life. I also believe that the only way a child will learn the
appropriate times for swear words is seeing them in action. I mean, if they
know that I only use them at home and not in front of other people, they will
see that it is ok to swear in front of me, and not say, grandma. I realize that
I will have to teach them this by punishing if they use it at the wrong time,
but I can point out that I know people at work who are grownups who get in
trouble for swearing too much. Perhaps I am giving my child too much credit,
but I think that being around Ken and I and getting to have us talk to him like
a person as opposed to talking to him like a child will be good for him. DonÕt
get me wrong, I am not going to keep him from being a child. I think it is
important for him to play and have fun and I know that I will indulge his kid
stuff, but why use small words in front of him? I mean, if I say, ŅI see you
acquired a new ballÓ as opposed to ,ÓI see you got a new ballÓ I donÕt see how
this is bad. I want to teach him to ask me what acquired means as opposed to
him just learning it later in life. My parents never talked down to me, and I
donÕt intend to talk down to him.
Ok, side note because it
just popped in my head. Why does every web site, book and magazine refer to
babies as girls? I mean, the proper way to refer to a person if sex is not
known tends to be in the masculine form. Yet when a site says your baby will be
1 pound now and she is kicking a lot as opposed to he. It is odd. Just a random
thought. Perhaps it goes with the same logic that as a child you think of dogs
as boys and cats as girls. Then again, that makes no sense since I always knew
Lassie was a girl. HmmmÉvery strange.
12-7-04
So we made it through the
weekend relatively unscathed. We ended up staying and that was actually pretty
nice. The day was rainy so it actually was less hectic. We didnÕt have as much
stuff so my carrying stuff was very minimal. I only had to walk the park like 4
round trips so not too bad. I was pretty sore the next day, but no more so than
had I been without fetus. Ken got nice and liquored up Saturday night which was
fun. We went in the hot tub after dinner and he asks me if I think I am ready
to have a kid. It seemed an odd question, but cool. He was not worried and he
felt we were ready for the most part. He is a little nervous about the
parenting part. I guess I have not looked to far into the future on that one. I
am mostly concerning myself with labor right now so it seems that the parenting
part should be a breeze compared. We talked a lot about our fears. He is
worried about how to actually convey our morals onto a child. I pointed out
that truly, even if we end up with Alex P Keaton to our liberal ways, we at
least taught the child to think for himself. This is more important to me than
anything. I mean, he chose to be liberal not to rebel against his parents. He
chose it because he thought about the options and decided those views were
better. I have always rebelled against my parents and yet I am still liberal
like them. Ken and I may still be more liberal than our parents, but we chose
what we should believe in. My parents taught me that. They never forced me to
be religious or to think a certain way. I am very grateful that they understood
that I needed to discover things like ideas and beliefs on my own. KenÕs may
have forced religion down his throat in a lot of ways, but they donÕt now. They
try to let him be his own man. Even his dad, who is super conservative,
understands that Ken needs to make his own decisions and truly, has even made
an effort to understand why he believes what he does. If we can offer even an
ounce of this logic to our own children, we should be ok. DonÕt get me wrong, I
mean, I would be disappointed if Bobby was say very conservative. But bottom
line is, it will be ok. Other than that, rather uneventful trip.
We saw a guy almost die.
His Bronco was hit on the freeway and it flipped him and he slid on his roof
for quite a ways. We stopped and he was able to get out. He was ok for the most
part. I didnÕt even see any blood! Who knew cars could handle that?!?!
Went to the doc yesterday.
Everything is good except I have to take an additional glucose test tomorrow.
Apparently my blood sugar was high enough that I have to take the 3 hour
variety test as opposed to the little 1 hour one I took. This one, however, is
way a pain in the ass. I have to fast from tonight till after the test
tomorrow. I get there at 8:30 and they take my blood. Then I drink some drink
and I have to have my blood tested every hour for three hours. I should know
the results in a few days. If they are bad, then it means I have gestational
diabetes. Yuck! I guess there are many levels to this, so it may not be all
bad. However, it means I need to be more careful with my diet. This should not
be too hard since really the last few weeks have been really bad due to the
whole tournament thing. I mean, if I stop eating out and actually make some
meals, it should get better. Plus, I need more salads. Not too hard. I think I
can manage that. It is just so hard to keep lettuce in our fridge! Maybe I need
to get something like carrots or something? I donÕt like too many green veggies
so I may be out of luck. I wonder if I need a supplement? I guess I will find
out when I get the results back. No point in worrying now. Besides, my levels
were not that bad. They were only a little over, so I may be ok tomorrow. Or
the longer test may prove I am ok and it just takes a little while longer for
me to process, but not too much. All in all, if this is the worst of my
complications, truly it is not bad. Apparently it is super common so I will
just have to muddle though. I only have like 14 weeks left, anyways, so it will
not be too bad.
My next dr appt is in three
weeks and apparently after that it goes to every two weeks! I guess that means
I will be in the third trimester since you go that frequently in the end. I
feel like it is going fast, yet it seems slow at other times. I mean, saying I
am six months along seems like, holy crap! When did I get to six months? Yet, 6
months has really been kinda slow in a lot of ways. It felt like forever before
I could feel anything. Now I look the part and he kicks constantly. How would I
describe a kick. It feels like your stomach burps. I mean, when you burp you
release, so burp internally and it feels like that. Sometimes it is harder than
that and it truly startles me. He is getting closer to it being something where
Ken can feel. I mean, I have kinda felt it on the outside a couple times, but
then it goes away so I donÕt even bother calling him over. Plus, it was when I was in bed and he
was in the living room so if I moved even a little bit, he would not be in the
same place. He is a mover, though. While they did the heartbeat yesterday, she
was holding the thing still and it would be all strong, then it sounded like he
walked away, then he would walk back. She said this was because of how much he
moves. So I guess this is a good sign for him being this active. Should be
interesting over the next few weeks as he gets stronger and his movement is
seen not only felt!
12-14-04
I am starting the third
trimester. I guess it is official tomorrow, but I donÕt think I am exact on
Wednesday anymore so give or take a day seems reasonable. It is so crazy that I
am already at this point. I mean, it seems like yesterday that I found out I
was pregnant. Plus, it is still weird that I can tell people. We went 2 months
without telling anyone and that is a surprisingly long time. I am huge now. Ok,
not really, but I have a distinct bump that looks very pregnant. I feel very
pregnant. He moves pretty regularly and I can tell my weight has shifted to my
front. I have been told that I look like I have thinned everywhere else. Not
surprising only because I have not gained much weight. I have gained a total of
3 pounds. I lost 10 in the beginning then have gained 3 in the last two months.
So really, I have lost 7 pounds! I have tried to be good about my eating. I
have been worse lately. Plus, I have to admit I have stopped riding my bike in
the morning. Mostly this started around tournament time when I was exhausted
and sore. Then it was Thanksgiving and I got sick for that week or so. Then it
was Legoland and I was once again tired and sore. So here we are. This week I
should have started again, but I have been trying to come into work early so my
normal 4 am start time has just been used for me getting ready so I can make it
in around 5. So mornings are out. I had considered doing the evening ride. I
sit and watch at least a half an hour of tv each night, so how hard would it be
for me to just ride then. Well, last night we had the chiropractor and then we
ended up going to dinner with his dad and got back after my bedtime. So perhaps
I will need to figure something else out. I want to walk the dog since I feel
she has been neglected with the tournaments and me having more difficulty
playing Frisbee with her. It is hard to bend down to get the disc. Tonight I
have nothing planned, so I will try to ride through Friends and then maybe play
with the dog a bit.
I think Ken has some
consulting tonight. I need to call my doctor again today. I had left a message
for him yesterday. I still have not heard back on my results from my glucose
test. I would like to know if I have gestational diabetes or not. I mean, if I
do, I do, but I want to know if there is anything I need to do like some kind
of medication or anything like that. If it is really bad, I may need insulin.
Hope (friend)
had to give herself two shots a day! I guess Holly had it during one of her
pregnancies so I can call her if I am to see how she coped with the extra
problems. I would like to think positive that I donÕt have a problem, but
really, it is pretty common, plus, I am at risk for it with my weight. So I
would not be surprised if I had it. It means no more sweets. That kind of
sucks. I can probably do a few, but I have to cut back significantly.
I really need more sleep. I
am coming in early, but I am wondering if I should not come in quite so early.
I mean, if I came in at 6, I would get an extra hour of sleep each morning. I
may need to do that towards the end. I figure I can push myself as much as
possible. I have another 8 days of work before I have a little over a week off.
Some of those days are not super relaxing, but I can sleep in every day and not
have to be at work, which is worth it.
My peeing has increased
significantly. I am a little curious as to how long I can last on our trip up
north. I made it with only two stops last time, but that was a little over a
month ago. We donÕt leave till next week so who knows how much more I will be
peeing! As long as I donÕt drink too much before, I should be ok. Plus, we are
driving up in no rush. I may actually request to leave at noon on the Thursday
we are leaving. That way we can get up there at a reasonable time. I wonÕt be
as tired, either. By the time I get home from work most days, I am exhausted.
So if I go in at 5, and work till noon, I only have to miss an hour of work.
Not too bad! I had considered requesting the whole day off, but it is not that
important. I wonder if I will take any naps while we are up there. I mean, on
the weekends now, if I can, I try to take a nap. Sometimes it is not even
something I plan. If we are watching tv at noon or so, I tend to get tired and
I end up napping for like an hour. It is amazing how great I feel after this
nap. I donÕt know if it is something I need because when I eat I get sleepy. I
also donÕt know how much of it is pregnancy related. I mean, it could just be
because I have been running myself ragged. I also think that in the back of my
head I am in fact stressed about this whole having a kid thing. I mean, I know
I am ready, but I am starting to have some fears.
Yesterday, this woman at
work brought in her newborn. She had this baby like almost 3 months too early.
So the baby was like a little less than 4 pounds I think when she was born. She
is now up to 5 (apparently doing quite well, which is wonderful) pounds, yet
still looks tiny! Everyone was commenting on how small and fragile she looked.
I noted her tiny stature, yet all I could think was something that big seems
way too huge to come out of my crotch! Plus, this baby was like half the size
of what I am sure I will end up having! I mean, even if I have a 7 pounder,
seriously, that is huge! I mean, I have long since said that pregnancy math
makes no sense and is not based on any form of logic. This seems to apply to
dimensions and measurements of how a baby comes out of a person. This peg is
too big for this hole! I mean, I know everything works out, but seriously, it
is no wonder people believe in things like Jesus! There are some crazy things
that take place and science sometimes doesnÕt seem to make much sense!
I am also a little panicked
about money. I mean, I work hard and we should get by, but KenÕs job is not as
lucrative as I would like it to be. Plus, his tournament is still not
profitable. We lost $1600 on this last one and that scares me a little.
I also worry about things
like how competent I am. I mean, I am a quick learner, so I donÕt think diapers
are going to really be a problem. I have handled JedziaÕs soft serve poop so a
baby is probably easier! But I wonder how hard it is to teach someone to read.
I mean, I can train a dog to go pee on command, but a kid is different! Plus,
we have such high expectations for our children, I just hope we donÕt put too
much stress on them to be better than other kids. I mean, Ken and I joke about
different things we expect that our children will be like. It all seems funny
that we will probably have kids smarter than many teachers and that they will
not have the same form of morals most people have. But how much of this will
end up being funny when our kid has no friends because he doesnÕt like most of
the ignorant kids he will be exposed to? It will probably not be that bad. I
think that Ken and I do ok, so our kids should have an easier time, but still,
there are those fears. I will be fine, especially since I am thinking about it
now. But I guess it is hard for me to deal with these fears since there is no
way I can learn to do everything right before hand. It will depend a great deal
on factors I have no control over. Bobby could be a shy kid and so he wonÕt
come into his own until he is older. He could have my mean streak and be a
little more inclined to be a bully and that is hard to talk him out of. He may
have a personality that is not anything I am used to and no amount of nurturing
will make it more familiar to me. So therefore, I will have to learn with him
on how we deal with each other.
I also have this fear that
he wonÕt like me. I mean, I will be the working mom and Ken gets to be the home
mom. So Ken will be the one helping him with science projects or taking him to
school. So what will I be? I mean, I will make dinner and will be a huge part
of his life, but what if doesnÕt ever relate to me? The cats and the dog like
me a lot, but Lycos really bonded with me differently then she did with Ken. I
was the only person around for that dogÕs first few months. I was the one
walking her when she was little. She digs Ken, but truly, she is my dog. The
cats all come to me a lot and then there is Saavik, who only seems to come to
me. Is this from when Ken was gone? Is this because I do different things for
them? Is this personality or is it just how it worked out. So I worry that
Bobby will just think of me as some lady living at his house. Ken will be his
world. I am not opposed to have him adore his father, but I have wanted so
badly to be a significant part of a childÕs life, that I worry I will be
overlooked. Ken will probably also not be the disciplinarian. I will take on
that role. DonÕt get me wrong, he will yell and implement punishments, but I
have a feeling I will be stricter. So that worries me too. If I feel the need
to be the enforcer of rules, will I be viewed as the evil one?
I know, I am getting too crazy,
but when you are carrying a fetus and are due to squirt it out in 3 months, you
start to think a lot. I wonder how many of the Christmas presents I get this
year will actually be for the baby. Not that I mind, I mean, it is just less
stuff I have to buy. Then again, perhaps everyone will assume that I am getting
baby stuff and will get me regular stuff. ThatÕs ok, I will probably get a lot
of stuff at my shower. I have to say, I am a little self conscious about my
shower as well. Why do people have to buy me presents just because I am knocked
up? I mean, it is way cool since I donÕt have to get a lot of little things
because people get them for me. I also really appreciate the gesture, and I
have bought enough presents for people, that is seems only appropriate that I
get something in return. I wonder how this tradition started. I also wonder who
I should put on this list for guests. I mean, my family and close friends seem
appropriate, but what about less close friends. People from work or school? It seems
tacky to have people come since it looks like I just want presents, yet I would
like to see them there. But I donÕt see these people in social settings. So
perhaps it would be rude? Then again, these are people that all have expressed
interest in going. So I guess I should invite them. I also donÕt plan on having
a traditional shower. Brandy, who is in charge, knows this and will make sure I
donÕt have to deal with stupid games or just sitting around talking about
swelled ankles or having other moms tell me I am doing stuff wrong. She knows I
want to have fun and to be able to spend time with some people that I will
probably neglect once the baby is here.
12-15-04
Ok, a couple of notes for
today. I found out I do not have gestational diabetes. Second, apparently Fetus
Bob likes Erasure!! I have been listening to it this afternoon and he started
kicking like crazy. Especially when I sing along!!
12-22-04
I am now 28 weeks along and
I could not feel more huge! I have quite the distinct bump. Sherri said that I
look pregnant. Not more fat, but actually pregnant. This pleases me greatly. I
was afraid I would just look like a big blob. But apparently the rest of my
body is shifting its weight to the front. I have to say this is making it very
difficult to get out of chairs. I am sure it will only get worse. By the time I
get used to my shape, it has changed yet again! He tends to move differently
now. He was moving more like 2 weeks ago. According to the books and web site,
his movement will slow down if only because he will start to become a little
cramped in there. My uterus will only get so big and he is going to fill like
every inch. I think that the movements now will become more pronounced. So
perhaps I will actually see that foot against my stomach! As much as that
sounds kinda cool, it still scares the crap out of me. I mean, even though I
have seen pictures that there is something in there, I can still chalk it up to
being just some big spoof. Like I am looking at the tape of someone elseÕs stomach.
My tummy getting bigger doesnÕt make it real since I can just say I am fat. So
to actually have something like a foot push out that proves that there is
actually something in there may make me faint!
I find myself rubbing my
belly a little more. Not much. He seems to stop moving when I put my hand there
so I donÕt do it much since I want to feel the movement. Maybe he freaks out at
my hand and I need to rub more? That way he gets used to it?
We have a Dr. appt next
week. I would imagine it is pretty standard. Afterwards, Ken and I are going to
go register at the hospital. I wonder what they need there. Probably all of our
info plus insurance stuff. We are going to sign up for a tour of the maternity
ward. I think this is a good plan so we kinda know what to expect. I donÕt like
not being prepared. It may turn out to be a waste of time, but, thatÕs ok. I
would rather be over prepared rather than under.
We leave tomorrow for KenÕs
folks. Christmas is in 3 days. I have to pack tonight. I have a feeling I will
sitting around a lot so I need to watch what I eat. I donÕt want to not be
active and end up gaining like 20 pounds!! The good news (well, depending on
when I look at this) is that we are staying downstairs so in order to go to bed
or just to get something, I will need to hike up and down those stairs. That is
quite a bit of work. If it snows, I will try to walk around outside some so I
get some exercise.
I have stopped riding the
bike and I am not sure if I will go back. I have been using the time in the
mornings to work more so I get more OT before I leave. I have not determined if
I will end up falling into the trap that Bertha did here where as her pregnancy
progressed, she worked less and less. I suppose I can work as long as my body
and the doctor doesnÕt feel I have gone too far. But how strenuous can sitting
on my ass all day be? I mean, I donÕt lift anything, I donÕt run around a lot.
I just sit. Now I can see stress being a factor, but I just need to calm down.
I have been better. I have been letting things go a little more. When my boos
pisses me off, I try to laugh it off quickly so I donÕt get all tense. It helps
that my department of mean people have been a little nicer to me. I am sure it
is because of the impending baby thing. I am a little curious if they will
throw me a baby shower.
I am torn on the whole
thing. I kinda would like one because hell, who doesnÕt want a party in their
honor? But I donÕt since I feel guilty when people buy be stuff because they
feel they should. Plus, some of the people that might go may not like me and
they just are going for the food. That seems lame. Plus, I get all embarrassed
if I have to sit in the lunch room for like an hour while they all eat around
me and ask me questions. Normally when I attend these, I can slip out with my
food and go back to my desk. In this one, I canÕt really do that as easily.
There will probably not be one for me here, so I will not have to deal with it.
It is probably for the best. I feel pretty tired today. I am sure it is because
I have only like a day and a half of work before I get to be on vacation. I
have done most of my work for the rest of the year and now am just killing time
before I get to go home.
I am getting 8 hours of sleep.
I donÕt know how restful it is, though. I mean, I have to get up like 4 times a
night now to pee. Ok, not 4. LetÕs see, I got up at 9, 11:30 and then at like
2. So only 3. That is about average. So each time I get up, even though I
pretty much do it in my sleep, I am sure it takes me some time to settle again.
Plus, I cannot get comfortable at all! My bump prevents me from lying too close
to my stomach. Plus, I am big enough now that I have to turn over every couple
hours so my arm doesnÕt get all tingly. Plus, I have discovered it is super
hard to turn over. I have tried to do it by rolling over from side to stomach
to side, but that doesnÕt work. So I have to turn over side to back to side. I
feel like I am going to become this stuck turtle. I mean, it takes such effort.
Plus, with me being half asleep in addition to trying to not wake Ken, it is
quite a process. I also have to have this pillow between my legs and I am
trying to prop myself up some so my heartburn is not as bad. It must be funny
as hell to watch.
I am dreading my sleep up
north. I mean, the bed is smaller than ours and I donÕt have a wall to sleep
against. So it is very uncomfortable at times. Hopefully I will just be so
tired that I just conk out! I have to say I had been thinking that this
pregnancy thing was not as fun as I had hoped it would be. But I think that
this end part is kinda fun. More people know about it and so it is more real.
Plus, with my bump being so noticeable, it is hard to hide it. Even with the
uncomfortable and issues like constipation, I am still really enjoying it.
A side note on
constipation. Holy crap it sucks! Ok, I wish there was some holy crap since at
least that means there would be crap! It can be rather painful at times and
extremely uncomfortable. I know that my vitamin is part of the reason, but
apparently this is super common. I mean, you always hear about morning sickness
or having to pee a lot. They donÕt make it real loud about the lack of poo.
Plus, when I finally get to poo, it is the opposite of dark matter. So nothing
about my poo is normal anymore. I am not looking forward to it up north. I tend
to get more backed up there. I wonder if it is the trip itself or the altitude.
Ok, enough about my shit. That seems pretty gross. Then again, I suppose it may
be interesting years from now when the kids coming from this experience at
having kids of their own and they want to know how my experience went.
1-4-05
Ok, so much to update on. I
had no time over the holidays so I am super behind on this!
Christmas morning was the
first morning in which I felt him kick with my hand. It was crazy. It was like
this first time that he was kind of real to me. I know that he is, but it was
physical proof to me. It took a couple days before Ken was able to. Every time
he moved I would grab KenÕs hand and put it to my bump and then he would stop
moving! Finally, on the night we got back from his folks, which would have been
the 29th, he felt it. So this was way cool.
Went to the doc on that
day. Everything was great. All healthy and what not. The funny news is that I
lost more weight! 6 more pounds, bringing my grand total for the pregnancy to
losing 14 pounds! How crazy is that. Since everything else is healthy, it is
not a bad, thing, either. It means I am being healthy! What a shock! At this
point, I have lost the amount I was supposed to gain throughout the whole
pregnancy. Who knows how it will go from here on out. I mean, 3 more months,
but the good news is I will not be crazy heavier!
A little bit of drama on
the 2nd. Sunday night, we had sex and settled down to watch some tv
before I had to go to bed. I went to the bathroom about 15 minutes after the
sex and looked down at the toilet paper to see this bright blood staring back
at me. My first thought was that the sex had caused it. However, I was not sure
and sat dumbfounded for a second as to what I should do. I calmly called to Ken
to come in. I was thinking that perhaps he would not be as panicked and then we
would be ok.
Unfortunately, it was just
the opposite. He looked just as worried as I felt and he sounded it as well. So
I got up and got dressed and we decided to go to the hospital. I went to look
it up on the net or even in one of my numerous books, but it seemed that I
would be better off just letting the professionals look at me. Ken even called
911 to see if going to the hospital was the right thing. They also felt this
was a good idea. So we headed off to Torrance Memorial at about 7:15.
I tried to stay as calm as
possible, knowing that panic would only make things worse. We went into the
emergency room where they directed us to L&D. As we headed to the elevator,
both of us were unsure as to what the L&D meant. I glanced at the directory
as we got on the elevator and realized it was labor and delivery. At this
point, the first real wave of panic set in. I was NOT ready to birth this kid.
We went to the nursing
station where Ken tried to explain what was going on. He was slightly
flustered, which in itself was cute. I calmly told the nurse, 30 weeks
pregnant, vaginal bleeding. She asked if we had sex in the last 30 minutes and
we both nodded. She was so nice and reassuring saying this was probably what it
was from. So she took us to a room where I was going to be monitored for the
heart beat on the fetal heart monitor. This seemed all normal with what I had
read thus far, so I was not too worried.
The nice nurse lady turned
over the whole procedure to a different nurse as it was shift change. No
problem. I was still pretty calm. She had me go in and do a urine sample and
instructed me to not flush if there was anything there of interest. My pee in
the cup looked like cherry kool-aid. What was more disturbing was the bloody
chunk in the toilet the size of a large cashew! Once again, that wave of panic
set in since I was now convinced this was the mucous plug I had heard about. I
did not want to have this baby yet!! I got into bed and waited for the nurse to
come back. It took her what seemed like forever. Luckily, Ken found the nice
nurse and asked her to look at the bloody stuff in the toilet. She was once
again, wonderful and reassured us it was just some tissue and clotting. It did
look similar to what I sometimes have with my periods, but still, it did not
seem normal at this point.
The other nurse came back
and she started looking for the fetal heart beat with the monitor. Now,
normally at the doctorÕs office they can find it in half a second. So when
several minutes passed with no familiar galloping sound, I was getting worried.
I looked at Ken who seemed to share my concerns. The nurse, was silent and
continued to run the monitor all over my stomach quickly, never waiting more
than a second at each spot. 15 minutes passed and I was scared that something
was very wrong. I had thought I felt a kick in the parking lot of the hospital,
but was now wondering if that was some final death kick that said he was done!
Ken was sweating and looked
pale. I am not sure which one of us spoke first but we pointed out that
normally it did not take this long to find a heart beat. The nurse did not
respond and looked a little concerned. Yet if this is how she was feeling, she
did not relay this to us. The search continued for another 15 minutes. In that
time I felt a small kick and I started to relax a little. I knew that if I was
tense, it would make the whole thing even harder, but it was getting
progressively harder to keep my cool.
Finally, there was a slight
sound and sure enough, it was the heart beat. Apparently he had been moving a
lot and her impatience was why we never heard it. They got the monitor strapped
on and she left the room. Ken and I finally talked about how this all was very
scary and yet you could tell the tension had gone away somewhat due to the
beating echoing in the room. He continued to move so the heartbeat kept going
away and then would come back. Luckily, the beat was strong and the correct
count. We sat around in the room for about an hour, wondering when the nurse
would come back to let us know what the deal was. Ken had to go in search of
her at this point just to see if I was allowed to pee. I had a pad on to check
the blood, and luckily after this hour, there was just minimal spotting.
The nurse told Ken that Dr.
Huber may come to the hospital depending on the blood and the heartbeat. We
waited another hour or so as we watched tv. It was now 10:15 and I was falling
asleep. The nurse came in and told us that because the bleeding had stopped,
and that the heartbeat was good, we could go home. I did however need to go see
the doctor in the morning. I was also put on bed rest for the night. I was
allowed to take a quick shower, but over all, I needed to take it really easy.
We were both relieved,
however, still a little nervous since we did not know what had happened. Every
time I got up in the night to pee, Ken asked if there was any blood. I am
pretty sure he didnÕt sleep at all. We went to the doctor in the morning where
I instantly felt better to be with the staff I trusted. Dr. Huber did a vaginal
exam and found no blood. He then did an internal ultrasound to take a look at
my cervix to make sure there was no holes or anything. All was fine and he
confirmed that it was probably the sex that did it.
There is nothing more
disturbing yet hysterical than having this 70 year old doctor man tell Ken that
he needed to be careful of deep penetration. (Editors Note: Ken here, I have
restrained myself from adding anything to GenaÕs writings, and I have been successful at this. However, I had
to add the exact phrase Dr. Huber said to me because it, forever, will be
burned into my brain. ŅBe careful of your deep penitration, son.Ó It still
gives me chills.)
So at this point, we are on
72 hour watch to make sure there is no repeat. I have had no more bleeding. We
are banned from sex the next few days since we want to see if this is what
caused it. All in all, if this is the extent of our drama from this pregnancy,
we have faired pretty well. We did realize we needed to make sure we have a
hospital bag packed now and we need to make sure we are prepared in case the
next run is the real thing.
1-7-05
So yesterday apparently I
looked pregnant. No less than 6 people made mention to me that I now really
look pregnant. I am pretty sure it was due to the dress I was wearing, but all
the same, I think the range of comments was from Ņwell, you are showing nowÓ to
Ņdamn!Ó. Crazy shit, if you ask me.
I have determined that it
is not good that I am working so much and going to school on Thursday. I am so sleepy
today. 5 and a half hours of sleep apparently will not cut it. I may need to
come in later on Fridays. Even by an hour. If I came in at 6 as opposed to 5,
itÕs not like I would be late! I may have had too heavy of a meal this morning,
too. I had a hamburger since we were out of milk at home. This whole week I
have had instant breakfast and that may have allowed my hunger edge to help the
tiredness I feel. I donÕt know. I just know I am having difficulty functioning
today.
They changed my hours at work.
They basically are saying they donÕt want us to do any OT. Granted, I have
still be working it. Oh well. With these new hours, I am supposed to leave at
2:30. I may do just that today. Maybe go home and take a nap before Ken gets
home. Then again, as the day goes on, I may wake up some. I have a meeting this
afternoon which should not take too long, but then I also need to go talk to
HR. It may in fact be a normal day.
So a side note, Greg had a
kidney removed. Apparently there was this giant cancerous tumor in it. I really
donÕt know how to feel about it. Hopkins email us yesterday and I found myself
uttering aloud that I did not really care. I think Ken was surprised at this
attitude. I think I am a little surprised as well. I mean, I am torn. I am, wow,
I canÕt even type the word sad or upset. I really just feel numb to the whole
thing. Since he has not been part of my life actively in 10 years now, it is
hard to get all say emotional on the subject. I mean, I suppose I can look at
it as a person I knew has cancer. That is a real bummer. But then there is this
whole karma thing that truly has made me think lately. He was so awful to me, I
just feel like it is his own fault. Then again, how much of this is me really
being upset and I trained myself years ago to keep this inside. I mean, he is
ok, he isnÕt going to die, so I donÕt feel upset. I donÕt know if I would react
differently had I heard he died or something. I also feel like I should send
him a get well note or something. But then again, he decided years ago that I
donÕt exist to him, so why should I bother with him? He would not care if I
lost a kidney. He would not care if I was hurt or injured. I am very
conflicted. I mean, and it is not that I care and donÕt care. ItÕs that I donÕt
think I care, and I am wondering if I should. I know this has little to do with
the subject of these journals. But I think it may actually have more to do with
it that one would think.
I wanted to document my
emotions throughout the pregnancy, whether they were regarding Bobby or the
outside world. What is also so strange is this wave of wanting to do something
nice for him. Like, should I find some old video for him or pictures or even
get a card. I just feel like I used to be able to make him smile, but I havenÕt
been able to in so long. I think I also never had closure with him. I mean, we
broke up, but it was not like he was gone. He was friends with everyone and he
was always around. It was never a clean break in the sane of never having to
deal with him again. It was gradual with highs and lows that has really fucked
with me. I donÕt have feelings for him in the sense of wanting him back or
anything. I think more than anything, I want him to acknowledge or past and not
act as though he doesnÕt know me when he sees me. He seemed to turn a corner a
few years back at BrandyÕs wedding. Then he got all stupid again.
Plus, what really makes it
difficult is the whole thing between he and Ken. I mean, with them having been
best friends and really, me being the person that made them not be friends
anymore, I am torn on my feelings. Ken really would love to be friends with him
again. Ken doesnÕt hold any kind of hostility or anger towards anyone and
truly, I know it would mean a lot to him to be back to the old days. I want
this for Ken, yet I donÕt trust Greg at all. I am so concerned that Greg will
pull Ken into a false sense of security about them being back in that place,
and then will do something to screw him over. I donÕt know if that is because I
have seen Greg do it to him already or if I just donÕt trust Greg from his time
with me. I just get this bad taste in my mouth when the two of them even are in
the same room. So I have to deal with so much emotion when it comes to him that
truly I have out him in a category or people that are simply friends of
friends. I have had to look at him as someone I had no past with. Yet, he is
one of the main reasons I have so many problems with self esteem to this day.
How could one guy cause
someone so much grief? I should not feel conflicted about this. It is this guy
with a tumor removed. According to the doctor, the cancer did not spread so he
should be ok now because they removed it. I shouldnÕt worry if it will be worse
until it is. That way I can not stress.
1-10-05
Holy crap! I am like due in
two months!! When the hell did that happen? I realize those two months will be
a long time, but still!!
So I played music to Fetus
Bob last night. I took my headphones and just put the computer on random and
played music while we watched tv. He kicked a little in the beginning, but then
it must have soothed him off to sleep. That is cool if that is the case. I
think I should do this every night. My plan is to create a cool play list for
him so perhaps to see if he would recognize certain songs. Like if I play Blue
Savannah every night, will he sleep to that when he is born? How cool would
that be? I would like to read to him, but I donÕt think that is as cool.
I also need to get together
a list of things I need to accomplish between now and then. I have an
appointment this week. I guess every two weeks now. That seems like so much.
Luckily, there are only a couple things I have to do each time. Weight, blood
pressure and heart beat. Nothing exciting. I am finding myself more tired now.
Also, I went to the car show with my folks and Ken on Saturday, and I was
exhausted after walking around for 3 hours. I thought this was kind of odd.
Now, it was pretty hot in there due to all the lights, but it seems sad to me
that I canÕt last a few hours of walking around!
When we got home, I napped
for like maybe an hour and then sat around the rest of the day. Even bowling
takes a lot out of me. My hips are really taking a beating. I guess this is
normal. Your back will get all out of wack from the different weight
distribution and your hips start to hurt. Plus, they start preparing for
expansion. I have pretty big hips, so I would have thought I would be better
off. Oh well. Andy is a physical therapist so he is going to get me some
stretches designed for pregnant women. Plus, we bought a inflatable cushion
that looks like a life preserver. My nurse practitioner said it would help.
Granted, I forgot it today, so I guess tomorrow is when I can try it out.
I have to say, for the
first time I actually had some real cravings. Over the weekend I noticed I
would get this desire to have some form of food and I wasnÕt even hungry. I
could totally see how pregnant women gain so much weight during this time. I
mean, if you just gave in every time, you would be huge! I have decided to not
give in to these cravings. Luckily, they have not been particularly strong
cravings. I donÕt know if this is just because I am aware of them just being
cravings. On Saturday, I did not eat much. I had a breakfast sandwich from McDonaldÕs
and then later some bean dip and chips. So around dinner time, I ended up not
being hungry. It was around 8 and I started realizing that I had a little
hunger. I did not want to eat anything huge due to how late it was. I started
experiencing a craving for a hot dog from wiener dude. Now, luckily, it was pouring rain out,
so I could justify ignoring my craving. However, I still needed to eat. So I
was very smart and only had an instant breakfast. Lots of calcium and pretty
light. I could have totally been bad, but I am very proud that I was not.
I have to say, the worst
thing right now is that I have been scared off of sex! After that whole thing
last week with the hospital, I find myself not wanting to risk it. I am not
thrilled about this. What is funny is that Ken feels the same. Luckily it is
not going to affect us badly. I may need to do something for him just to be
good about it. Although, it is really going to suck to not have sex for like
three months. I mean, if we end up not doing it for the rest of the pregnancy,
and then usually a few weeks after you donÕt, my god! That is like forever!
Then again, when we do, it may end up being pretty cool? I certainly hope so.
Power just went out here at
work. We do not have access to the network. In fact, they are not even sure if
they will get it back up today. It has been crazy storming the last few weeks
here. Flooding and rain and craziness! LA never has actual weather, but it has
been raining almost non stop since Friday. And not just a little rain. It has
been hard rain! I think we got like 5 inches at home. Crazy! The whole back
yard flooded. It is actually pretty cool. I love this rain. The good news is
that I am also comfortable for the most part with the temperature. It was
really cold last week, but I could bundle up pretty easily. Today it is pretty
warm. I mean, I am wearing a short skirt and I feel fine. I hope it warms up
after the baby is born. I donÕt want him freezing too much in our normally ice
box of a house. We may need to set up the space heater in the back room for
him. Then again, he will be in our room, so we will need to warm it up in there
first. I suppose he will be in there for a good 6 months at least. So I need to
clean up in there!
As a side note, it is
always reassuring when another person who just had a baby tells you that they
had similar symptoms. I was talking to Bertha just now and she said I looked
tired. She then asked, so is it nap time? Sure enough, it was around the time
that I take my nap on the weekends, and the same time I always feel that about
a half an hour would be wonderful. She said she had the exact same thing. I
then proceeded to tell her my level of tired and what wipes me out and she
could totally relate. It was as if I was not alone. Most of the pregnant people
I speak with all had problems. When they had morning sickness, I had nothing.
When they were uncomfortable, I was not. So truly I have been unable to bond
with anyone over my experience. It is nice to hear someone has exactly the same
time I have had. Now I know Bertha had things I did not, but same with me
having things she did not. But still, it was a wonderful bonding moment. I
could have swapped stories all day with her. ItÕs funny, since I never
understood wanting to talk about it to any great lengths. Perhaps my having
been pretty mum on the subject has made me actually want to converse about it
now.
I havenÕt wanted to bore
any of my friends with it too much. I mean, Brandy wants to know how I am, but
I would bet she doesnÕt want any full detail account of my day of pregnancy.
Jenni has had minor bouts of depression concerning her girlfriends getting
married and pregnant, so I do not want to subject her to any of my excitement.
I would feel even worse telling her bad things since she could be thinking,
well at least she gets to be pregnant. That leaves me with some people at work.
I am pretty sure they donÕt want to hear the same stuff they just spent 9
months listening to since Bertha was just pregnant. So over all I do not talk
to a lot of people about it. Plus, the handful I do, I forget what I have told
them so I am sure I repeat myself. That is pretty sad in itself.
I really want to go home at
2:30 like my schedule says, but now that I have to make up for this whole lack
of deductions on my paycheck, I need to work as much as possible. This so
sucks. ItÕs only another hour and a half that I am here for, but it seems like
forever. Luckily I have had a decent amount of work come across my desk that
has allowed me to keep busy.
1-11-05
I had a dream last night
that I had the baby. I had him basically yesterday. So he was premature. The
dream was funny, though. It was very calm. Ken and I went to the doctor for a
normal checkup and then they told us I was in labor. Within like a few minutes,
I had the baby. No pain, no problems. I was laughing telling Ken how I didnÕt
even need an epidural. We also laughed how I had just made this whole list of
things we needed for the hospital and didnÕt need any of it. He was like 4
pounds, but healthy. We took him home and called a few people. It was bizarre.
I also remember breast feeding him a little bit. The whole thing was very calm.
I was surprised at how we were both so calm about the whole thing. A strange
dream, to say the least.
I did not get much sleep
last night. The storm that came through was loud. Lots of wind and rain. I kept
waking up every like hour and a half or so. I ended up peeing each time, so I
was up so much. Plus, Fetus Bob was moving a lot, all night. It was interesting
how much he moved when a loud noise scared me. I would jump at the exact time
he would. So apparently he does hear the loud noises. Tonight I should make a
point of playing him some music before we go to bed. I did not last night as I
had intended to. If it has the same effect like it did the other night, it may
soothe him.
I think that he is moving a
lot this morning because I am so hungry. I had an instant breakfast and a small
bag of cookies. Now I am eating some cake someone brought. Not the best food
for me, but I am dying here. I wonder why. Perhaps I am at an important
developmental stage or something. I know that at 32 weeks is the peak of
movement. I suppose by that time my uterus doesnÕt grow anymore, but he does so
he just runs out of room. I am speculating at this point, of course. I have no
idea how this works. I feel over saturated with information that I have read.
Plus, my memory is failing lately. Normally I can remember actor names or
things like that, and I am actually finding myself struggle. I also am very
tired.
I almost did not come in today. I debated it for a long time
in the shower. I mean, I have the time. I could have easily taken a day off.
But I feel as though I need to work as much as possible. Plus, I am a little
concerned about what they will do here while I am gone. I want to make sure
that my work is covered, so I need to make sure I have everything in
order.
1-12-05
I feel relieved that I am
not a cold hearted bitch. I just found out that this woman that I work with had
a death in the family. I cannot stand this woman, and yet I found myself
actually very sad for her loss. He brother died from some form of liver
problems. He couldnÕt have been very old. I find her to be a mean and cold
person, but it still makes me sad to hear that she is having a rough time. No
one deserves to have family members die. I mean, I know we all have to
experience it, but it still makes me sad. I doubt that this is hormonal,
either. I really feel bad for her.
Well, that said, I am
feeling pretty good today. I actually got enough sleep last night. I went to
bed a little early and only got up twice in the night to pee. This was quite a
relief.
I have a doctor appointment
today. KenÕs dad is in town and the two of them are working on the bathroom all
day. There should be more tiling done when I get home. I think he is staying
through the weekend so I am hoping they also get the shower installed so that
they can work on getting rid of the other shower. Hopefully they will make some
significant progress this week so I have most of a bathroom done by Sunday. I
am assuming that I will be going to dinner with them tonight. I donÕt know if
he will join us for the doctor appt. Might be fun for him to hear his
grandsonÕs heartbeat.
I guess my baby shower is
scheduled. It is like the last weekend in Feb. That should be cutting it nice
and close, right? I will be due like 2 weeks after! But I should be fine.
Really, everyone, including me, have such busy schedules. It is amazing anyone
every gets a shower. I mean, I canÕt be the only person in the world so busy!
1-13-05
Well, went to my doc appt
yesterday. Everything was fine. This is a good thing. I gained 3 pounds, which
makes me a little worried. I know that this last week I have been back on
schedule with no holiday food and being home again. So perhaps that is it. I
thought I was pretty active with walking for three hours and the bowling. It is
not that the weight gain is bad. It is more just worrisome since I had also had
some finger swelling at the car show. I thought that they were signs of
preclamsia. Although I just looked it up and no, it sounds pretty normal. It is
called Edema. I guess that is not too bad. I know that walking a bunch is what
caused my swelling. I mean, as soon as I rested for a while, I was fine.
I was also pretty
dehydrated that day. I have also been a little bad with sugar, so perhaps I
will be ok. My blood pressure was fine, so I should not be too worried. I have
not had much swelling in my ankles. I thought I did a couple times, but it has
never been the case when I went to the doctor. I use my little step stool at
work so I am always keeping my legs elevated slightly. I wonder if this helps.
I have to say, getting around has become a bit of a chore.
I tried to do some stretches
last night that Andy sent me for my hip, and wow, that was a pain in the ass! I
had to lie flat on the floor and I really did not think I would be able to get
up again! Walking can be hard, too. It depends on what I am wearing and how
long I have been on my feet. I mean, I am ok if I have been up for a little
bit. Like, going to the bathroom when I have been sitting for a while at my
desk is a chore. Yet, if I was at the grocery store, I would be fine after a
little bit. ItÕs like momentum is really on my side. Although, I do tire more
quickly, so the store would probably wipe me out. I keep pushing myself a
little more than I probably should just so I get used to the tired. I realize
the tired I feel now is way different from the tired I will feel for the first
few weeks of having him on the outside.
I think Ken is working that
week I am due. So it should be interesting to see how much I can handle on my
own. I want to make sure Ken is rested if he has to go to class. Besides, it
will give me a fun chance to bond with Bobby on my own. It might be pretty
nice, actually. It will also give Ken a chance to get out of the house.
I guess we go up North like
3 weeks after he is due. We leave like April 6th and come back the
following week. Something like that. We are going up for GranddaddyÕs
ŅfuneralÓ. His b-day is one of those weekends and so they are going to scatter
his ashes over the river that runs through Uncle BillÕs property and goes
through their old property, the one that burned down. This seems like a nice
time to go up. I have time off, and then everyone can see the baby. I know that
he will not remember being at a funeral, but I think that spiritually it would
be nice for GranddaddyÕs great grandson is there for his goodbye. We will go up
to KenÕs folks first and visit there for a couple days. Since it is only a
couple hours away to the city of Nice, we can leave the dog at KenÕs folks and then
just drive the three of us to the funeral. Then we would come back for a day or
two later back to the house, then drive home. That gives more people a chance
to come up and see him.
I figure once I go back to
work, we will not have as much time to visit until Thanksgiving. I believe that
is the plan this year to go up north for turkey day and stay here for Christmas.
We will still probably go up after Christmas for a couple days, but we wonÕt be
there x-mas morning.
I really still canÕt
believe that this is almost here. I mean, I have wanted to have kids for so
damn long. In a matter of a few weeks, really, I will have one. 9 more weeks.
Not even double digits anymore! I mean, I remember being 6 weeks along. I kept
thinking that 34 weeks seemed like forever. We are in the countdown and it
seems crazy!
I am still upset about not
knowing whether or not Conner knows. I mean, I know that he will not care in
the idea that he doesnÕt like kids. But part of me wants to believe so much
that he does still love me and wants nothing but happiness for me. I wonder so
much if this is the case still. I havenÕt been close with him in years. I donÕt
know why it bothers me so much. Perhaps it is due to how close we really were
at one point. Our relationship isnÕt like mine with Greg or AngelaÕs where we
were close, yet fights and stuff is what tore us apart. With Conner and I, just
growing up differently is truly what did it. So I guess that hurts more. I
didnÕt think we would grow that far apart. I should have known we would, but
still. I also wonder how I will explain these sort of things to my child. I
mean, will he ever know who Conner is? He will know Auntie Brandy and Uncle
Aaron. But will he ever know Conner? Will Bobby be smart enough to say learn
the games Ken and Aaron play and then at some point be allowed to play in a
game that Conner is the GM for? I mean, he has the potential to have the
disposition to enjoy gaming. It would make sense that Ken would introduce him
to maybe Shadowrun. Aaron would also enjoy that. I would be totally cool with
that. So they start playing and Bobby really enjoys it. Will people like Conner
not want to play only because Bobby is only 7? Will we even still know Conner
in 7 years!! I shouldnÕt have to even think that. I know that Ken and Aaron
will still be playing in 7 years. This just seems normal. I wonder if we would
break Conner in slowly. Let them play some net game that Conner never sees him.
Then when he is playing a lot and Conner asks who Bobby is, they decide to all
meet for a person to person game. Then he is face to face with our child.
Conner never just stops by our house, so it is possible he would not know about
a kid. Then again, Aaron really wants to call him when I am in labor just to
say I am in the hospital having a tumor removed. When Conner shows up, my tumor
happens to be a baby. He must know. I mean, his roommate knows, as does a lot
of our friends. Someone must have mentioned it by now.
Anyways, I am super tired
today. Once again, I could not get comfortable last night. This may have been
due to the stretches I did. I was pretty sore. Tomorrow I expect to be in a walking
coma. I have class tonight and I would imagine that the only 5 hours of sleep I
get on those days will just not cut it. The good news is that I only have the
day to get through. I am pretty sure I will be able to sleep in on Saturday. I
may need to take a nap for lunch tomorrow. I wonder how hard that would be. I
sometimes nap a little at my desk during lunch. I will be reading a book and I
just kinda drift off. The problem is that it is not super restful. I keep
worrying that I wonÕt wake up. I am a pretty sound sleeper, so it would suck if
I forgot to get back up! Enough talk about tired and sleepy. I am getting
sleepy thinking about it. I would not go to class, but it is the first night.
My next class (the next subject) will be the one where I will hopefully make it
to all. I may miss the last one due to being in labor. I donÕt know how this
will work. I need to take off another class on the one after that for when we
go up north. I might miss the first class of that one depending on my labor,
too. Like, if I am late, I donÕt think it a wise choice to go to class. Then
again, itÕs not like Ken is real far away. I have him drop me off and I just
call him if something goes down.
1-18-05
Not much new going on.
Fetus Bob moves quite a bit now. And not just little kicks. I mean, it actually
takes my breath away at times. It is pretty cool. I also feel like I have a
body in my stomach. Like the weight it feels like could be a creature of some
sort. Since I am more familiar with the cats, it does in fact feel like a have
a cat asleep inside my body. Like the weight is similar. Not as big, so perhaps
like a kitten. It is odd. Also, the places he kicks, he must be standing. I
mean, I will get a kick at the base of my scar at the same time I get a kick
right below my ribcage. So it is like he stands up and I feel his feet and
head! Now, granted, I have no idea what exactly I am feeling body part wise,
but it is still pretty cool. He does seem to kick more when I am yelling about
something, so perhaps my plan to stay calmer is a good idea. Although, it is
super hard.
Yesterday, I tried very
hard not to get mad at things. Every time I was mad at my boss, for example, I
would laugh it off. This was fine, except that I got home and I was so built
up, I freaked out about Aaron pretty quick. Basically, Aaron and Ken had some
interviews with some potential employees last night. Well, since I have way
more experience hiring, Ken wanted me to help. Even if I did not ask the
questions, my insight would be helpful. Aaron had this old bias because of a
conversation a few years back with he, Ken, Brandy and myself. Apparently, he
felt my opinion on people was off. Well, I ended up going anyways and I spoke
with one of the candidates for a little while, and I saw the other guy for like
15 seconds. My opinion on both was more insightful than AaronÕs after he spoke
with both for more than a half an hour each! Aaron actually apologized to me
for doubting me. Kinda fun. Ken and I were very amused.
1-19-05
I really enjoy when people
will look at me and say with such confidence, ŅI bet itÕs a girl.Ó They have no
doubt in their mind. It is like they have some form of physic connection that
has made it so freaking obvious to everyone in the world. They would bet their
house on this premonition. It is even more gratifying when I get to correct
them and tell them that they are dead wrong. I have been tempted to tell some
people who say they think itÕs a boy that they are wrong too, however, I have
only had one person guess right. So instead, I get to actually laugh at all of
the people who think they know more because they have this connection with my
fetus. Hell, if I had no idea what it was going to be, why in the hell would
anyone else?
Ok, and that was pretty funny
in itself. I went into the kitchen where I was just asked if I was pregnant. I
suppose I have not told a lot of people here and they all just could assume I
was getting fat. I pointed out to this girl, who is very sweet that I was in
fact growing something and you could tell how relieved she was that she had not
just insulted me. Then again, thinking about it, this has always been my fear
that someone would come up and pat my belly and ask me when I was due. I would
then have to break down crying explaining that you donÕt birth fat. Luckily, I
can now hold my head up high and stick out my bump (not that I need to try to
do this) and be proud that I can actually give a real date.
1-24-05
Had doc appt today. Went
well. I lost 2 pounds. So basically the 2 or 3 I gained last time, I lost
again.
It has been one hell of a
last couple days. On Thursday night, I broke myself! There was a bag of lemons
on the floor in the kitchen and so I went to slide them out of the way with my
foot. The problem was, apparently they were heavier than I expected, and my
muscles were not ready for this. I almost toppled over from the pain. It almost
felt like a rip under the left side of my belly! I went to class, but I could
tell it would be sore. I did not expect to be almost crippled the next day. I
got up in excruciating pain and opted to go to work anyways. I was exhausted
since I was unable to sleep the night prior due to how much pain I was in. So I
got to work and decided after about an hour and a half that I needed to go home
and sleep.
I walked out the door and
went to drive away, when the car decided it was not wanting to go anywhere. I
practically floored it and it would only go a little and it sounded awful. So I
called Ken and asked him to come help. He got there about 20 minutes later and
it was at this time, we discovered that the reason it would not go is because
someone had hit the back of the car and had took off. The impact left only a
little bit of scrapes, but the axel was shifted by quite a bit. We ended up
having the car towed and as of right now, we are waiting on the estimate on it.
It is probably totaled. I mean, the Mustang was only worth like $4500, and this
kind of damage probably did it in. I hope not, as it just means I have to wait
for the car to be fixed. But if it is totaled, then I will have to get a new
car.
The problem with all of
this, of course, it that we have been spoiled without a car payment now for
like 7 years. So to put that into our budget will take some time. Plus, with
the baby on the way, we are trying to not be completely in debt. KenÕs job is
just so erratic in the pay area, that it is hard to know what we will need with
this kid. We were originally going to get another car since we need a family
car. Well, it may be something where we need to get a simple small practical
car as opposed to the Odyssey we want. The car payments on that are like $400
as month, so that is quite a difference in our budget. However, if we can find
a used car for like $10 to $15K, then we could buy it outright with the check
from State Farm and some money from our equity loan. Then there would be no
payments. This would be good.
1-26-05
7 weeks left! I canÕt
believe it! It seems like only yesterday I wasnÕt even telling people! Work is
pretty hectic as my boss has yet to establish who is covering for me while I am
out on leave. I am actually looking into working from home. I am afraid it will
end up messing with my disability, but perhaps if I am set up as a contractor
for reports, only, I can work something out. I donÕt really want to have to
work from home. I mean, I want my reports done correct, donÕt get me wrong, I
just want to be able to spend some time relaxing not having to worry about
work. I mean, itÕs only 6 weeks! How bad can they be without me?
Apparently, pretty bad. I
mean, I have two people who are to be trained on just the reports I do. Two
people who still canÕt handle it! As if that wasnÕt bad enough, I have other
responsibilities that need to be done and there is no one who can handle them.
Very sad. I suppose it means I have some serious job security. They are lucky I
am not taking off like 3 months! They would die! I figure 6 to 8 weeks (8 if I
have a C-section). Not too horribly long. I will be in town for most of it.
There is the quick week in April that I am up North, but I would be back in
time to be available for anything going wrong. Since Ken will be off pretty much
the entire time I will be on leave, I may take advantage of that and just come
in for the like 3 hours it takes to do reports. That way no one has to complain
about them, or worse yet, screw them up. Hell, maybe to can work towards comp
time or something. I mean, if I leave the 15th, do the reports right
before I leave, there would be 3 sets during the time I am gone. End of March,
middle of April, and end of April, which is when I am back anyways. Then again,
end of March may be too soon for me to move.
I really should not have to
worry about this. I told my boss when I was a month along. ItÕs not like this
should be a surprise to him that I will be gone. Plus, this other girl here got
to take off 5 months! She didnÕt have nearly as much grief. Plus, it is not as
though I get paid enough here to warrant all of this stress. I mean, if I was
like a lawyer or something, this would be no problem, but my boss seems to
think that he cannot live without a few simple reports. It is truly pathetic.
Oh well, what can I do at this point. It is out of my hands for the most part
since I have trained the willing and if they cannot do it, there is not much I
will be able to do for them.
Other than this work crap,
I am doing well. I am tired like you would not believe. Last night I couldnÕt
even muster up enough strength to make dinner. I ate a quesadilla and I made
some pudding. It was all that sounded good. I was not super hungry, but I felt
I should eat something. My tiredness seems to be pretty constant regardless of
the rest I get. I know that this could be normal, so I am not worried, I just
feel it is a bit of an inconvenience. The house is a mess right now and doing
the dishes about knocks me on my ass! Hopefully Ken was able to do some
cleaning today. If not, I will need to try to do something. Luckily I was able
to at least run the dishwasher, so empting it is easy. A lot of the mess is
Lego clutter that should be gone soon.
I also would like to work
on the back room to make it more baby friendly, but that will have to wait
until the weekend. I would like to set up a place also in the bedroom for where
he is going to sleep along with a place for him in the living room. I donÕt
anticipate moving much from one spot for like the first week after he is born,
so I want to be prepared to camp out in one place. I think the only plans for
this weekend include finding a car, but that may be simple. I hope!! I need to
spend some time just cleaning and preparing. Maybe I should take a day off to
just work on this. WouldnÕt hurt. I could sleep in, get up and clean the house
and organize, then if we keep it clean, we should be set. Truly, moving some of
the furniture would be the best thing, but I canÕt do that. We also have no
room in the garage so itÕs not like we can put it there. We currently have all
of the BraskinÕs stuff in there, so that little bit of room we did have is
gone. Will we ever be organized!?!??
1-27-05
I am so freaking tired I
canÕt handle it. I want to sleep. I have class tonight, and I really do not
want to go. I really should. Although, it is not like we seem to miss anything
on it. I mean, class is pretty dull. He goes over a few things, but nothing I
need. I would lose 5 points, but that is almost not enough to matter. I could
drop off my papers, then come home and go to bed at like 7. It would be better
to miss class compared with say leaving work early. At least I get paid for
being here. Granted, I may wake up a bit, but I am more concerned with
tomorrow. I mean, 5 hours tends to be more of a problem when it comes to sleep.
Hell, if I am having this much of a problem with 8 hours, 3 less is just plain
stupid. I may have over done it yesterday. I got home and I cleaned the kitchen
and part of the living room. I hurt my back a little, so perhaps I should have
not been so vigorous in my efforts. Oh well. You live you learn, right? Maybe I
will just not go to class.
1-31-05
Ok, so I had a bit of a
epiphany last night. My back has been very sore due to what appears to be my
uterus pinching my sciatic nerve. So Ken suggested I run a bath to help relax
the pain. So I settled in with my book and Jedzia decided to join me. She sat
on the piece of wood I had across the tub to put my book on. As I petted her,
she turned to me and smelled my breast. I thought nothing of it since she often
likes to curl up on my chest, so I half assumed she would do this while I was
actually in the tub. Instead, she proceeded to lick my nipple a couple of
times. I thought this was odd since she looked rather intent on this. I actually
thought she might start suckling due to her intensity. I mean, normally she
will lick me in general, but this seemed to have a purpose. So it was at this
point that I wondered if this meant she was smelling something different that
may be going on with me. So I called for Ken to come in and told him what
Ittles had just done. I started to squeeze my nipples to see if I could see
anything, but I had no luck. So Ken tried and used a little more of a milking
motion on my whole boob. Next thing you know, there is this clear, thick fluid
that came out. I was beside myself. He then duplicated this on my other boob. I
honestly had not felt so weird ever before. I mean, it was like this smack in
the face that just said, hey, guess what, you are about to have a baby! I mean,
I knew this and all, but this milestone made it so much more real. These globs
of fat that I have had on my chest have been pretty much useless in many ways
up until now. I mean, donÕt get me wrong. I love my breasts and they have been
very good to me. Boys like them. Hell, some girls like them! They are very
attractive breasts and overall, have provided me a lot of pleasure.
However, for the first
time, they became more than just boobs. They were now an important part of what
was going to make me a mom. I mean, I know all of this sounds so damn corny,
but the feeling that rushed over me was corny. I mean, I have had the cool
feeling like, oh my gosh I own this house or I am married. I even had that
feeling in the hospital last week of, oh my gosh I am having a baby. But the
feeling was very different. This time, I actually felt nervous. I am not even
sure what the nervous stemmed from. I am not sure if I was nervous at the idea
that I was in over my head or even just that nervous excited type of feeling. I
just felt nervous. I still do. I also have a splitting headache that may be
associated with my new feeling. I know that this nervous will pass. I mean, it
must, right?
WhatÕs funny is I donÕt get
all weird over the fact that I am feeling Fetus Bob move right now, as I type.
Big, rolling movements that could only be a baby moving in a momÕs belly. Yet
that scares me less. Then again, I have become pretty accustomed to this
feeling. It also was much more gradual. To have something secrete out of your
body when you have only read about it, is just surreal. I feel odd and I donÕt
even know who to talk to about this. I mean, Brandy and Jenni, no offense to
them, would have no frame of reference. So I donÕt know how I would even
explain it to them. I could talk to Dani, but I would feel weird talking to
anyone. So I guess I will just continue to talk to my computer here.
In other news, my ass
hurts!!!! This sciatic nerve thing really sucks. I am in quite a bit of pain.
The stretches so far have not been very good. I have only done them a few
times, but if anything, they have made me hurt more. The heat pad I have been
using is no longer soothing. Hell, even the bath has not helped. Right now I
have my space heater on under my desk just to stay warm since I think the cold
may not be as good on it. Then again, I read that icing it may be better. So I
will try that tonight. If I move my leg wrong or even my body, the shooting
paid about knocks me out. I am a little worried since from what I have read, it
sounds like this is going to be with me until after the birth. So it will
probably get worse as my belly grows.
So far it is pretty heavy
feeling, even though I have not gained any weight. It may just be how it sits.
My fat mostly was proportional. Now, the bulk of my girth is starting to center
in my stomach. So I am leaning different. Hell, I am walking different, so my
whole body is shifting odd. I feel actually pretty icky today. I canÕt tell if
it is from tired or maybe my breakfast. My head has been pretty sore. I may be
dehydrated, but I doubt it. I have been drinking a lot of fluids the last
couple days, so I should be ok. I am nursing this water now, so if that is it,
the pain should have gone away by now. I have to say, I do understand why
people take off before, now. If just for resting, it seems reasonable. I have
read that the labor will take a lot out of a person. So if I am tired, it tends
to be harder to get through it. I also realize I have so much to do to prepare.
I was supposed to do some
organizing this weekend, but every time we got home from the errands we had, I
just wanted to nap. I wonder if I am more tired due to my stopping the exercise
program I was on. I like the idea that I get more money from the extra hours,
but I should still ride that bike. Maybe I will try that tonight. Ken will need
to pull it down for me since I am pretty sure I would hurt myself on it. It may
help my nerve pain. I am also concerned that perhaps bowling should cease. I
was in more pain after bowling, plus I read that one of the things that
aggravates this condition is lifting heavy things. Now, while the ball is only
like 11 pounds, that 11 pounds is a lot when I am in pain. Plus, the whole motion
I need to do, may all just hurt me more.
I have 6 weeks left of
pregnancy. Hell, it could be only 4. So truly I may need to take it easy. I
donÕt want to injure myself in a way that puts me on bed rest the last few
weeks. I am thinking of making my last day to be the 11th of March.
Actually, looking at it, it may actually be 7 weeks if that is the case. I
think that I will just take off when I go into labor, then plan to come back
May 2. That may be easier to calculate. It may be more than 6 weeks, but not by
a ton. In fact, if I am here the week of my due date in general, I only end up
being off 6 weeks plus a couple days. I still need to do so much before this
all happens! I need to pack my hospital bag for one. Plus, I need to go and buy
a comfy nightgown, too. This way I have something to wear at the hospital. I
also want to clean out this desk in the guest room. I plan on using it for the
changing table and storage for diaper stuff. I want to also set up a little
shelf in there for books and things. I also need to set up a spot in the living
room for the day crib. As if this was not enough, we need to figure out where
to put the bassinet thing for the bedroom since he will be in with us for the
first couple months at least. So there is a lot of cleaning and moving of
stuff.
We are planning on having a
yard sale in a couple weeks. I think not this weekend, but may the weekend of
the 19th? That is in like 3 weeks, which would give us time to get
ready, to have the weather warm up, and time before the shower so that we can
clear out space for things. So every day this week (well, every day for the
next few weeks), I need to work on organizing. There is a lot of clutter in the
house right now, but almost all of it is Lego related. With KenÕs sessions
starting full swing this week, he has been going through all of them and
getting organized. However, KenÕs dad bought him a cool trailer thing this
weekend so it is going to become the Lego shed that will store all and be able
to be transported, too. This will cut down on the Lego clutter. The bathroom is
being worked on this weekend, so perhaps a good chunk of that will be done
shortly, too. This will cut down on the bathroom clutter. Plus, we will be able
to get rid of stuff like the dresser in the hallway because we will have
storage space in the bathroom. So I think that I will clean that out tonight.
Since I have a ton of makeup I donÕt use, I am going to throw all of that out.
Plus, we can probably store the towels elsewhere for a little while. Everything
else can be condensed and put into their correct boxes. This would allow us to
get that out of the hall.
I then will probably work
on the desk in the back room. That is not as much. It will take like two boxes
to pack up candles, which is one whole drawer, and pet stuff, which is another
drawer. I think the last drawer is just old phone books and stuff like that.
Easy enough to toss out. The TV in there is temporary since KenÕs dad stays
back there when he is here working on the bathroom. That will be minor on taking
out of there. Next, I will work on the dresser thing in the living room. A lot
of that is knick knacks that need to be moved. Right now, it is mostly storage,
and perhaps we need to move it or empty it. I am not sure, yet. There is a lot
of crap that needs to be taken out to the garage, too, but that will have to
wait for the yard sale. We will end up dragging out a lot of stuff out of there
to sell. This should clean out some space for the cedar chest in the living
room. The chairs in there will be taken to the sale. So that leaves very little
left to move. Now, I canÕt do the big stuff, but I can help clean up the little
stuff. I am pretty tired, but I will push myself a bit. I may leave at 2:30
today. I lose out on $30 because that is my overtime pay, but piece of mind may
be worth that.
You know what? I just
looked down, and I swear, my boobs are bigger. Ok, that was random. Sorry. I am
still very tired. I think that my pain and the peeing are causing me less and
less sleep each night. I could go to bed at noon and I will still be tired. I
went to bed at midnight on Friday and did not have to get up in the morning.
Yet I still woke up around 6 or 7 and really could not get back to sleep. I was
still very tired by the time I crawled out of bed. How lame is that? I am
considering sleeping in the recliner. I mean, I seem to have no problems with
naps in the chair. So perhaps it is the bed that is causing me problems. I
donÕt know. I think that I would probably have the same problems in the chair.
When I nap, it is because I am so tired that it would not matter where I am. I
know I sleep like that in bed, itÕs just that I wake up periodically. I have
considered even walking at night so that I am tired when I get into bed. The
problem, I am already too tired to walk. Actually, my main concern is now going
to be Fridays. I canÕt skip class every week. I can only miss one night every
class. So I have used my freebie already last week. IÕll be fine. It just means
I will probably leave work at 2:30 on those days and go home to nap until Ken
gets home from work. His schedule on Fridays works well with my nap time.
Ok, so I have a dilemma.
That makes it sound like a huge problem, when really, it is pretty minor. I
would like to dye my hair some funky color for the delivery. However, after
thinking about it last night, mostly due to something Ken said to me, I may
need to not. Ken says to me, is this really how you want your sonÕs first sight
of you to be? Now, he did not mean that in a bad way. More realistically, I
donÕt want to confuse him with bright red hair. Ok, so I need to weight the
pros and cons on this one. The hair color I have found has no peroxide or
ammonia so it is not bad for me. The color rocks and it only costs like $10. It
would certainly look cool and I would probably enjoy the first pictures of me
with my kid looking like a young hip mama. However, then there are the cons.
What if the smell of my hair is altered. It will be since hair dye does this,
even if I do it weeks before. I donÕt want him to be confused at my changing
scent. Now, I know he doesnÕt see color very well, but there could be confusion
with the contrast, which he will see. Plus, who knows how my hair will look as
it tries to grow out. I know what the answer is. I mean, I should wait and do
it at a later date. I just want to feel young and crazy since I think this idea
of turning 30 and having a baby is making me feel old.
I know that I still am
young, and truly, I still have that style, but how much of this will change? I
can fight all of the lame stuff like being a soccer mom and crap like that. I
have no intentions of trading in my pants with bondage straps for some
polyester pants with an elastic waste band. I guess I just want to be a cool,
hip parent that isnÕt going to be boring. I know, how could I be boring? But it
could happen. So many people keep telling me things will change once I have
him. I know that things will change, but not in the way they think. I just want
to keep some wild and crazy so that I donÕt feel like I missed out on some
youthful activity. ItÕs funny, here I have been criticizing people like Jenni
for her quarter life crisis, when in reality, I am doing the same thing. Some
people may go out drinking and hooking up with random guys. Well, both are not
really my plan, so instead I do things like crazy clothing, hair and
accessories. Well, it doesnÕt mean I canÕt do my hair this bright red after I
have him. I can always do it as a just because when he is a few months old.
That way he can appreciate his mommyÕs wacky hair color.
2-3-05 (21 Days to go)
So I let Ken read my
journal. It was funny all of the things he pointed out that I did not write
about. Things like how we looked at the pee stick. Ken was actually the first
person to know I was pregnant, not me. I had peed on the stick on the Sunday
morning and left it in the bathroom to sit. It says it takes three minutes, but
those three minutes seem like a lifetime if you sit there. I was pretty
convinced that once again I had wasted a stick since I had now peed on numerous
ones with only the negative result. So I went in to get dressed for bowling and
Ken headed to the bathroom. He then comes out of the bathroom and says to me,
ŅWhy didnÕt you tell me that it was positive?Ó Now at this point, I was sure he
was fucking with me. I believe I even said something to that affect. I
explained to him that I had not looked at the results as of yet because it was
not done yet when I was in there. So I went in and investigated. Sure enough,
the correct lines and pluses and whatever was glaring back at me. I was pretty
jazzed, but still convinced I had done it wrong. Nothing else was really said
and we went bowling like normal. Now this seems like a pretty important story
to have logged, but apparently I was still in shock when I started this. I may
very well have just opted to not get my hopes up?
The other thing he pointed
out was the fact that I did not mention anything about the fact that I told
Brandy long before I was supposed to. I told her like 6 weeks in and did not
tell Ken I had told her. I didnÕt want Ken to get mad. I had to tell someone
and she was the most logical choice. He found out less than a week after she
knew. At one point I was on the phone with her at home and he had picked up and
heard us talking. After I hung up, and went back into the living room, he says
to me, so when did you tell Brandy. He wasnÕt upset. I felt pretty bad, though.
I should have told him that I told her. But oh well. I suppose with my
hormones, I am allowed to be stupid occasionally.
We were both surprised with
the amount of ickiness I felt throughout. I mean, for the most part I thought I
felt pretty good. Now granted, I write this while I am at work and perhaps the
icky was truly work inspired more than pregnancy inspired. But who knows. Perhaps
I have been so determined to have a good pregnancy compared to other people.
He was also amused at how I
found importance in certain things compared to him. He mostly skimmed the
pages, looking for days he remembered. I suppose he doesnÕt live this the same
way I do, so it isnÕt as important. I donÕt know how that works. I had
considered writing in current entries things I had forgotten, but at this
point, it would take more time to figure out what I had forgotten.
As far as anything new at
this point, not much. They have actually decided to start a pool at work to see
who can guess the birth weight. So that is kinda fun. I feel huge in general
and my back is really hurting this morning. I rescued a cat that was hit by a
car yesterday so while I was waiting for Ken to come with the carrier, I was
hovering over him making sure he did not bolt back into the street. I wasnÕt
uncomfortable while there, but I suppose I had a great deal of adrenaline
working for me. When we finally got home from Dr. SteinamÕs, I was exhausted
and sore. I had problems sleeping the last couple nights. I have just not been
able to get comfortable. I canÕt tell if I am too hot, too cold or just sore.
Poor Ken was having
problems, too. He actually got up at 2 this morning and just went and watched
tv. He was up when I left, but he was going to try and get some sleep. I am
supposed to call him in a little bit to make sure he is awake for work. I would
have gone out and kept him company but I needed to try to get sleep, too. I
have my long day today with work and school. So I half slept from 2 to 4. I
have a feeling that tomorrow will be rough, but I donÕt think that I will stay
all day. I think that I will leave at 1. I figure that is 8 hours if I get in
at 5. That way I donÕt miss my meeting in the morning. I then have to go pick
up the dog from the vet where she is getting her nails clipped, teeth cleaned
and to top it all off, a bath and flea dip. I may end up staying here all day
anyways, since I keep doing that. I worked 12 hours on Tuesday, like an idiot.
I really need to take it easy. I can sleep this weekend, though. KenÕs dad will
be here and they will work on the bathroom on Saturday and most of Sunday. I
wonder if we should not bowl. Then again, that is pretty early, so it shouldnÕt
affect much. We have dinner plans with Mil and Ari on Saturday night, so that
will be nice. I have to clean the house while they are working. Probably the
best time to do it. I can work without being interrupted.
2-9-05 (15 Days to go)
I havenÕt written in some time.
I have been horribly busy. Today, I am falling asleep just typing this. My
emotional levels have been all over the place the last couple days. On Monday,
we had an OB appt that went well. I gained 8 pounds over the last two weeks,
which was not happy for me, but did not seem to pose a problem to the doctor. I
knew I had been eating more, but I had not realized how much. Most of it is my
sweet tooth. I also know I have been moving around less. This is because of how
tired I am and how much pain I have been in. I will get to that in a minute. So
I realized while sitting in the docÕs office that I was 2 days shy of 35 weeks.
This meant I have 5 weeks left until I have a kid. This then sent me into a bit
of a panic. I mean, it is perfectly reasonable for me to go into labor at any
point now. I mean, I know that really, this shouldnÕt happen for at least
another 3 weeks, but that doesnÕt mean I wasnÕt farther along than we had
though. I also realized that the doc was about to do a vaginal exam and he
could very easily feel that I was ready to birth that day! He could say at any
point, hey, why donÕt you walk over to the hospital and have yourself a kid. I
know, not realistic, but for some reason, this put me into a bit of
nervousness.
So he does the exam, and he
then informs me that I will deliver pretty close to my due date, and probably
early. Crap. So this just scares me to no end. I mean, I know I will be fine,
but, it scares me. I donÕt even know what scares me. Maybe not being prepared?
I also donÕt like not knowing when it will happen. As anal as I am with
schedules and stuff, the idea that I have no control over this drives me a
little crazy. Plus, even though I have read so much that truly I should feel
pretty comfortable with what is coming up, I think I have read too much. I have read all of
the bad stories now. I am all stressed that I am going to tear really bad or
even have some horrible complication. I was at first comforted at the idea of a
C-section thinking that this seems pretty easy. Then I read about what happens
and I was more terrified to do this! It isnÕt the pain as much as the
uncomfortable. Your arms are strapped down and you can get very nauseous and
this doesnÕt sound like fun. I also donÕt like the idea of being broken for any
length of time. So all of this has been in my head the last couple days.
It gets worse. My right leg
is in so much pain that I cannot get comfortable. I get the sharp pains in the
lower part of my butt right above my thigh on the right side. It hurts to sit,
to drive, to walk, to stand up, to lie down, to everything! I just want to cry
at times. I have used heat, but that seems to only do so much. I have iced it
and that numbs it for a while making it at least bearable. I ice it before bed
so I can try to get some sleep.
Now, we get into the
emotional side of it all. With
this level of being uncomfortable, I am in constant pain.
Now add to this the fact that
I cannot get much good sleep so I have been tired for the last week.
Add to that the stress of
work (which actually is pretty minimal right now, but just having to be here
every day is hard on me).
Add the stress of school
(which is pretty awful right now due to some changes they are making).
If this was not enough,
KenÕs dad has been at the house since Friday night. They have been working on
the bathroom. It looks good so far, but they have a ways to go. So every day,
they work on it. This leaves me with no bathroom. I mean, I know I can ask to
use it any time, but I need to go like every hour. So I found myself holding it
more because I didnÕt want to interrupt them every hour. So this is stressful
on me.
Plus, with being in pain
and being tired, I felt guilty sitting around a lot of the time. I mean,
Sunday, I spent napping because I was so exhausted. How awful am I to not
help?!!? Not that they made me feel guilty or anything, I just did.
Plus, I need to be able to
run around with less on. I mean, I donÕt sleep with bottoms because it is so
uncomfortable. So each time at night that I had to climb out of bed to go pee,
I had to find pants to put on. This is hard since it hurts each time to put
them on. So this just made me a little more stressed out. Each night I get home
from work and there is construction mess and I am tired and the cats are upset,
so it is all just crazy.
Plus, with having to pill
the dog (she has some antibiotics from her teeth cleaning), take care of the
rescue kitty, make dinner for the boys (luckily we were able to order food),
and still ice my ass and get to bed at a reasonable time, I am pretty stressed.
In addition to this, I have
no car! So for the last couple days, it has been difficult to get to work. On
Monday, I drove the explorer, but it is hard to fit in there. I actually have
trouble steering since the wheel sits on my belly. This is actually pretty
comical. Plus, when I shift, I get to experience the sharp pains in my ass. So
driving that car is very unpleasant. Ken drove me yesterday since he had to get
to work. But this meant that I was here normal time, 5 am, and he had to pick
me up, which ended up being around 5:30 pm. That is a long time to be at work.
Especially since we still had to stop and get milk and do all of the nighttime
stuff like dinner, cat, dog other crap.
My emotions were so out of
wack from being tired and stressed that I had to really struggle not to just
cry. I would have if it was just Ken, but of course, with his dad there it is
harder to be myself. I ended up going and getting dinner and the pain made me
cry. Luckily it was just the dog that saw me do it at this point. When I got
back, I felt bad since Ken asks me if I am ok, and just trying to explain that
I was emotional made me more emotional. He was very sweet about it, I mean, I
know he understands I am having a rough time right now. So I felt bad making
him feel bad. Can you tell how freaking conflicted I am? I thought a night of
sleep would help, however, I could not get comfortable all night so I am more
tired today. Still in pain, too.
I drove his dadÕs car
today. It is not the best car and it stalled (itÕs an automatic!!) twice while
driving and I was sure I would not make it to work. The first time it stalled,
I almost started sobbing right there. Plus, I realized that we are going to see
a play tonight, so it means we need to get his car back him before we go to the
play since we donÕt know what time he is done with work. More stress and
irritation. Plus, as much as I want to see the play, it means even less sleep!
Tomorrow is school, so come Friday, it will be a wonder that I donÕt just break
down crying if I broke a nail! I am hoping that this weekend we at least go and
get a car. That would be one less stress. Plus, I think I can probably clean up
the house again. I had done so on Saturday, but with all of their work the last
few days and my lack of energy, it is dirty again. I at least accomplished
doing a good chunk of the laundry. I just feel so helpless. I want the house to
be clean. I want to clean the litter pans. I need to go shopping for groceries
and some other stuff for my hospital bag. So much to do with no time, money or
energy to do it. I am considering leaving here at 1. That is 8 hours so then I
can work on some stuff at home. I can do the dishes and straighten up a bit so
I feel better. I probably would have time to take a nap, too. I donÕt know. I
didnÕt think I would actually say the words that I understand why people take
time off before they birth.
2-14-05 (10 Days to go)
Hello! Apparently I have
been super busy if I am only writing like once a week. I am feeling really good
today. I had been feeling so sluggish the last couple weeks. I wasnÕt sure why.
So on Saturday night I actually had some Metamucil since my dark matter was
actually becoming painful. Oh my gosh! Who knew that this would make me feel so
much better! I mean, last night everything came out the way it should and I had
no pain in the morning for bowling. I mean, over all, I have felt so much
better. I have no idea if this was why. I mean, I had not really thought about
it until last night when I realized how much easier the bathroom run was. Ken
thinks this is so very possible so I will need to keep taking some of that.
Perhaps a glass tonight.
I also got a new car on
Friday, so perhaps my mood has changed regarding stress. I got a 2002 PT
Cruiser. It is a cool grey blue color and I am quite thrilled. It looks new. I
have never had a classy car before so I am pretty jazzed. It will fit a car
seat well and this makes it an actual mommy car for me. I feel so grownup. I
also did not realize how close I was to the end of this pregnancy until this
morning. I had parked my car in the lot when normally I park on the street. We
are not supposed to park in this lot, but there was some strange dude parked
where I normally park so I thought I would be safe. So one of my coworkers
points out that I should see if I can park in this lot since it is easier to
get in the building and I am pregnant. Other people have done this so it would
not be hard to arrange this for me. I then realized that it would only be for
like a couple weeks.
I looked at the calendar in
disbelief. Yes, in like 4 weeks, my new potential due date is upon us!! How
scary!! I actually was a little concerned that I was going into labor on
Saturday. I was having these ŅpainsÓ in the lower part of my gut. It was like
he was pushing to get out. The lower half of my uterus would tighten and I
would last for like 3 seconds. It was happening every 20 minutes or so. It was
probably either Braxton Hicks or him pushing weird. The length of time for each
feeling seemed to short for it to be anything significant. I looked it up and
the symptoms did not match what a contraction is in premature labor. Although,
interesting note, since my due date has changed, after this week, nothing is
considered premature labor anymore. I guess that is only before 37 weeks. Since
I am at 36 weeks on Wednesday, and my due date moved up a week, technically, I
am at 37 weeks!! My goodness! That is terrifying!
My house is coming together
for the baby. I cleaned out the desk that will be his changing table. On
Saturday, we are going to have a yard sale, so that should get rid of a bunch
of crap. Once that is done, I am going to clean up the living room so that we
have a spot for the crib thing. I mean, he will not be in the back room as
much. I will need to work on that room as well, but that is not as bad. I need
to clean out this white dresser in there and I can probably use that for
clothing and crap. We are still keeping this room as a Ņguest roomÓ for the
most part, but I still want to take out the TV and make it less crowded. There
is a lot of stuff in the closet that will probably go in the sale. That will
clear up some room. Plus, the crap that came out of the desk will need to go
somewhere, so the attic will probably be cleaned out a little for the sale.
Everything we canÕt sell will go straight to Goodwill, so this means everything
we decide to get rid of will be gone this weekend. This will be very good.
I still need to get the
last few things for my hospital bag. I am feeling less nervous than I was last
week. I wonder what changed. I mean, I know that hormones make zero sense, but
still! J It is odd how they do things. Hell, just being
less stressed about things like the car may have helped. I am surprised I
havenÕt started stressing about things like a crib. I mean, maybe it is because
I know I have a shower coming up that will give me some things. But knowing me,
I never am comfortable relinquishing control like that. I mean, if I am waiting
to see what I already have, then I donÕt have a lot of time to get stuff I
donÕt get! But I also know that Dani is giving me the important stuff like the
car seat, so I think that anything else that comes up should be easy enough to
remedy. Who knows. I donÕt understand how certain things stress me out and yet
other things donÕt. I mean, when I was bleeding that time we went to the
hospital, I was pretty calm when I called Ken in to see. Yet I am like crying
because we are out of hamburger? There is no fucking logic when it comes to
hormones. I feel bad that Jenni doesnÕt live closer. I mean, I feel like I
havenÕt been able to share this pregnancy with her as much. She text messaged
me this morning to say happy valentineÕs day. I feel bad since I never do that
first. She is busy at work during the day, and at night I am so busy or tired
that I never call anyone. I am rotten!
2-15-05 (9 Days to go)
Ok, I am not sure if it is
paranoia, instinct or what, but I think that I am having this baby soon. I
mean, of course I know itÕs soon since I am due in 3 weeks, but I mean, like I
think earlier than that. So I have decided to give an actual exit date at work.
I think that my last day will be March 4th. That is 2 weeks from
Friday. So I will work this week, next week, and the next week. I may leave
earlier, but I am trying to play it safe. Most women would be home at this
point. I guess we can take like 4 weeks before and the 6 weeks after. Which
means I have not been really doing myself any favors. I mean, I think I just
thought we had 6 weeks to use, whether before or after or a combo. Well, in
reality, I will always have 6 weeks. Then again, if I donÕt pop until like the
30th, I would not really take off until the 4th anyway.
I have been having
contractions, I think. I feel different. I donÕt know what it is. I packed my
desk a little today thinking that this way in case something happens, I am
ready. I still have a lot to pack up, but it is a good start. I need to pack my
desk since when I come back, the whole office will be different. We are getting
new cubicles while I am gone and I want to make it easy on the people here for
moving my crap. I will probably come in one day in the afternoon and set up my
desk while I am on leave. Like at 4 in the afternoon when no one is here. I can
bring the kid and just hang out with Hope here. That would be good. That way
when I come back, I wonÕt have to waste a lot of time setting up. I need to
talk to Ken about my exit date. I know he has been stressing about money the
last couple days, so I donÕt want him to freak out that I am not working till I
canÕt work anymore. Technically I will be working pretty far in, but I still
should go over it with him.
2-17-05 (7 Days to go)
I am feeling kind of tired
today. I still canÕt seem to get all that comfortable at night. What really
sucks is when I finally get comfortable, I have to pee! At this point, I have
about 3 more weeks left. On the 22nd going forward, I can truly go
into labor at anytime. I guess two weeks before the due date and two weeks after.
Since he moved my date, then the 22nd is the go date! I have been
having some more contractions. One earlier lasted like 30 seconds or so. It was
only one, so I am not too worried. It is probably nothing yet, so no reason to
worry.
I have a new concern now.
What if I donÕt like him. I mean, I know that I will love him in the idea that
you tend to love your offspring. But what if he isnÕt nice? I mean, I really
donÕt know how that will work. I mean, I love all my cats, but obviously I like
some better than others. Then again, I am not sure if it is better or
different. I mean, the beginning, there is nothing to say like about him. I
mean, he will be cute and all, but if he keeps me up all night and I am tired
from all of it, I wonder if I will resent him for it. Some moms must go through
this. Is the only way you are assured to love your baby is to be ignorant? I am
not sure I can do that. And if that is the case, and I do love him, does that
now make me ignorant? I know, I think to much about all of this crap.
A friend of DaniÕs is
bringing me a bag of boyÕs clothing this afternoon. I guess this is all stuff
Dani had given her when this friend was not sure if she was having a boy or a
girl. So since she had a girl, I get all this stuff. I wonder what it all looks
like. It will be good to have a bunch of clothing I am not attached to. He will
probably wear a lot of stuff his first few months. I still need to clean out
that room to put all this stuff in. Perhaps this weekend since the yard sale
may be off. The rain may prevent us from that. We can still do it the following
weekend. I have to see where everyone is staying before we are sure this will
happen. I actually think that it would be best if no one stayed at our house. I
mean, it would be a pain in my ass. Only because I will stress about cleaning
up to make sure all is well. Plus, if we get up early to do the yard sale, I
donÕt want to worry about waking anyone up. If no yard sale this weekend, I
will work on the house. Also, I have no idea if KenÕs dad is going to be here
this weekend to work on the bathroom. Who knows. Most of the crap is yard sale
and Lego. Once Ken gets his trailer set up, the Lego will go in there. I just
would really like the house in better condition for when the kid arrives. My kitchen
is quick to clean up. It is mostly done right now. But the living room is super
cluttered. Who am I kidding. I am so tired right now, so I doubt any energy
will go towards the house this evening. I really wanted to leave at 2:30 today,
but I doubt it will happen. I have a meeting at 2, so it will be at least an
hour. I guess then I will go home.
2-21-05 (3 Days to go)
Ok, having strange pains.
Not sure if they are contractions or not. I had them before, but this time,
they are increasing in intensity. Yesterday I assumed it was constipation, and
I am still not convinced that it is something else. However, I know that I
should go home now. Kinda bad paid just now. Hell, I may be having a baby
today.
2-22-05 (2 Days to go)
Ok, not yet, but still
having what seem like contractions. We have been tracking them since yesterday
and as of right now, there is no distinct time between. There is an average,
but that doesnÕt mean anything when the high range is like 15 minutes and the
short is 2. They seem to have lessened since yesterday. I might be wrong. I
also am moving around more, which could confirm that they are in fact Braxton
Hicks. I have my little stop watch around my neck and I time it whenever I need
to. I called the docÕs office this morning and apparently I sounded too much
like I thought I was in labor. She told me to go straight to labor and delivery
to have them check me out.
Currently I am sitting in
KenÕs morning class so I think that afterwards we may head to the hospital.
Since My intensity has not increased, I donÕt feel too rushed. I have a feeling
they will just send me home after a couple hours of monitoring and then I will
just be sitting around. I would imagine the hospital will be uneventful. I will
have to put on the gown, have a monitor strapped on, and I will sit around
until they decide otherwise. I bet they will check dialation, but that seems
pretty minor. They will call my doc who will just tell me to go home and to
still come in tomorrow which is when my next appt is, anyways.
So that is my guess. I just had a contraction that was 13 minutes since the last one. It lasted like 40 seconds. The longest any has lasted was 50 seconds. So still, not a lot. I still have the funky pains that are more under my tummy. I am unsure of what those are yet. I have a lot more discharge at this point, but nothing that seems like I am leaking anything. I have to pee like constantly now, but there isnÕt any pee. This may be because I have not drank enough. I am probably dehydrated right now. I need to remedy that.
I kinda hope I donÕt have him yet since my shower is in just a couple days! I would like to wait. Although, at this point, I am ok with not going back to work. As much as a workaholic that I am, it will be a nice break. I can clean the house and rest and just kinda be. That sounds pretty good, actually. I will probably go back to work to fill out paperwork, but other than that, I probably donÕt need to. But I might as well assume, right. I guess pay will suck, but at least I get a paycheck this Friday and this would mean disability would start today. So then I start getting paid before the kid comes, possibly. That may be better. I am torn on being anxious or nervous. I mean, I am excited I think at the prospect of having him shortly. Then again, I am not sure I am ready. Like maybe I will be a rotten mommy. I am good at being a cat mommy, but kids are a little different. They are louder and more of a pain in the ass. So my patience may suck!
2-24-05
Gena did not make an entry as she
was birthing Bobby.
The Birth Š Part 1
(Times in parenthisis are added
in by the editor)
Well, I have been pretty busy the last 6 days cause, well, I am a mommy! On the 24th, Robert Alan Brenan 2.0 came into the world. On the 23rd, I was told that I was to take it easy. I went to the hospital on the night of the 22nd and it was confirmed that I had been have contractions for two days. I was 2 centimeters dialated, however, the contractions had started to subside. I went into the doc the next morning. He told me that I needed to take it easy because he really wanted me to hold him in for at least another week. I mean, I was truly only 37 weeks along and it would be best.
So I went by work to set up my out of office stuff and cleaned up my desk. I went home with the intention of being very good so that I did not go into labor. I made dinner and sat around and was not even barely doing anything. We went to bed and I thought that I would be able to do a bunch of stuff the next day. I was going to organize songs for the hospital, write some more in this journal and just hang out. Well, apparently Bobby was not as interested in this. I felt weird all night long. I kept feeling this desire to poop. I kept going to the bathroom and nothing was there. I assumed it was my constipation coming back and so I thought nothing of it.
At about 5 am, I headed back to the bathroom to pee when all of the sudden this pop happened. It was literally a pop. It wasnÕt something that I think anyone else could have heard. After the pop was a rush of water. Not a lot, mind you. It was in the toilet and I just assumed it was some more pee. But something was not right about it. I sat on the toilet, suddenly very wide awake, and wondered if perhaps my water had just broke. It was not inconceivable since I had been contracting and the doc even kinda suspected that I would go into labor in a few days. I then went into a panic attack. Yes, you would think I would be excited, but instead I wanted to throw up. I had to choke back some tears as I started to realize what I was about to embark upon. I could be having a baby today.
I pulled it together and headed back to the bedroom and crawled into bed. Ken looked over at me and I said to him, ŅSo I donÕt know what that was.Ó I proceeded to explain to him what happened and he asked me what I thought. I wasnÕt sure. So I got up and decided to look up on the net to see if there was any description of what water breaking felt like. After looking for what seemed like forever, I came across the Dr. Spock site which gave me the info I had been searching for. Water breaking often had the pop that I had dealt with. So Ken and I trekked off to the hospital. During all of the getting ready to leave, the tremendous feeling of needing to poop was almost overwhelming. I ran to the bathroom multiple times hoping to get out the dark matter that had been plaguing me. Nothing.
(5:30am) So we got into the car and it now started to get to the point where it was painful. I was doubled over every couple of minutes. We got to the hospital and I could barely walk inside. We got upstairs where we informed the staff that I thought that perhaps my water had broke and that I was in pain. They took me to a room and I was asked to give a urine sample. I had nothing in me since I had been in the bathroom about 75 times in the last hour. I got into the bed, and wanted to scream out from the pain. The nurse checked me and then tells us, well, water did in fact break and that I was 3 cmÕs dialated and I was in labor(6am). This did not register as I was still dying in pain. The only thing that went through my head was that this meant I could ask them for something for the pain. I had intended on toughing it out and not needing this stuff till later.
However, I decided that I must be a wuss. I screamed out that I needed drugs. I seem to recall hearing Ken laugh, but I could be wrong. The nurse left to go get me the forms that needed my signature for this request. I was willing to sign in blood at this point. Apparently this pressure was going to get the best of me. They were in fact contractions! She handed me a clipboard and I know she must have told me something about what it was that I was signing, but I didnÕt care. My signature never looked worse, yet at the same time never was so satisfying to give. It meant that I would soon feel better.
It was at this point, approx. an hour after being there that I was wheeled over to labor and delivery. I was going to get my nifty delivery suite. This is where I would be spending my entire labor and then would have this kid. Ken was making calls, and I remember very little about how I got to the room. I know it was in a wheelchair and that at this point I had an IV in. I couldnÕt even see straight through this pain. The nurse told me I had to breath through the pain so I found myself just concentrating on each slow breath I forced myself to make. The nurse praised me on my diligence in this technique. I wonder if she thought that I had gone to classes. I had not, of course, but it would be funny if I was able to bullshit my way through yet another thing dealing with the learning process. I somehow got into the bed of my suite. I was informed later that it was the last available room. Apparently numerous fetuses were hankering to get out.
The nurse there proceeded with checking my dialation. Now, it had only been an hour at the very most. It was at this time that the nurse informs me that I am 9 and a half cmÕs(7am). Holy fuck! I was ready to have a baby! I still had no drugs and was ready to start the pushing. Luckily, the nice drug lady showed up shortly after(7:15am). I had to actually sit up in bed in order to do the epidural. I started to become nervous as I knew you needed to sit very still for these and the contractions had become unbearable. I donÕt remember anything they told me. I know that Ken was there since he held my hand the whole time. That was my only link to reality at that point.
The funny thing was is that my dad was now there having shown up some time between getting into my room and the drug lady showing up. I donÕt remember very much of him. I knew there was someone else there, but at the time, it was all a haze. The drug lady told me that the needle might burn and that I needed to resist the urge to pull away due to the pressure that followed. I wanted to scream, whatever lady, just give me the drugs. I know that the needle went in, but it did not hurt at all. I felt the pressure she described, but actually found it soothing as it was another point that I could concentrate on while holding still through each contraction. Apparently they were coming every minute or so. It was about 2 minutes later that the fog was lifted from my head. I could actually focus on people again and for the first time I truly recognized my dad for who he was. The pain my diminishing and I was actually feeling pretty good. The pressure was still there, but it was so minor. I found myself wanting to go by a fruit basket or something to send to the wonderful person who had invented this product. Penicillin may have been described as the best thing this century. They were all wrong. This is truly the best thing the medical community has ever invented! So anyways, my pain now gone and us being ready for a baby, I started to get a little nervous. My mom came and so did Brandy, Aaron and the Braskins. Lots of people saw my crotch on Thursday.
The Birth - Part 2
(Times in parenthisis are added in by the editor)
Ok, sorry took a day long break. Apparently this is going to be the longest entry. So where was I? Oh yes, about to squirt out a kid. So basically once the epidural kicked in, all was pretty ok. Aside from being nervous, I felt much better. I was able to visit with the people who had come to cheer me on. I was given oxygen, not sure why though. I guess to keep me set. I mean, I was hydrated from the IV and my blood pressure was being checked every 10 minutes or so by this other machine I was hooked up to. I guess one never knows what can go wrong during these things. It was at this time that I was told that we were going to begin pushing(8:10am).
There was no doctor there yet, but the nice nurse and her helper nurse were going to help me through this part. Now I assumed that this meant I was having a baby soon. Not quite. This was pre pushing. I guess in order to get him into the birth canal, I needed to do some hard pushing. So they would prop up my legs and I needed to push to the count of ten, in three quick sets. It is not as though you really are told how to push. But basically I was told to try and react to the pressure of needing to poop that had been plaguing me since we left for the hospital. So I did just that. I was not even supposed to breathe through each push. I was told to hold by breath, Ņbear downÓ, and hope it was working. They seemed impressed since I did not have to do these pre pushes for too long. The nurse would have me do this through every contraction that occurred (skipping some of them just so we did not move too fast).
Ken then informs me that he could actually see the top of BobbyÕs head. Creepy! He was now crowning which meant I was ready to get him out. She then informs me, do not push anymore, no matter how bad I wanted to(8:45am). That was like being told to stop breathing! My god, it was crazy. It did not hurt, but it made my whole body shake trying to not allow my body to do what it so wanted to do naturally. Apparently they needed to hunt down a doctor. Mine was out for the day so the on call one needed to be located. For 15 or 20 minutes, I sat with a crowning baby.
When the doc walked in(9:09am), I was relieved, since I knew it was almost over. Still no real pain and overall, the discomfort was minimal. So she set me up in the stirrups. My legs were numb, so they helped me. However, on my left leg, it slipped and did not land correct in the stirrup. I swear, that I felt and I was sure the kid was going to squirt out from how wide my legs spread from that. Ouch! This time the pushing was go until I couldnÕt go no more. So I pushed. It was a different sensation because now my legs were pretty mush spread wide open. I donÕt know where Ken was, to be honest. I am pretty sure he alternated between being down there to being near me. I had always assumed I would have wanted him next to me for support, but apparently I prefer to just power through it. It was at this point that I was informed that the head was out(9:13am). He let out a pretty hearty cry, so this was weird. The head coming out was not as bad as I had assumed it would be. I was worried though that the shoulders would be harder based on the broadness.
So when I needed to push the rest out, I expected that to be the hard part. Nope. One push later, he was out! (9:14am) I felt this overwhelming sense of accomplishment. I had gone through labor. I was not dying in pain. The pressure was gone and I felt pretty good. I knew I still had after birth, so I was expecting more pushing to come. So I did not celebrate yet. I had read that people always forget about this part so I found myself still in work mode waiting for her instructions on when to push out the rest.
Bobby was placed on my stomach at this point and I was relieved that he was not nearly as gross as some of those babies look. Not much blood, and only minimal white goop. He was, however, purple. I mentioned something about having birthed a smurf. They took him away at this point to go clean him up.
Now was the time to do after birth. Well, actually, I didnÕt even have to push. My contractions were doing most of the work and I think she may have pulled it out with the cord. Ken told me that it looked like a liver. I had blood and a bunch of other fluids pushed from my body. The nurse just pushed my my stomach and out it came. I could feel the warm liquid, but no pain. Now the doc set forth to stitch me up. She had performed a mild episiodomy and so I needed stitches. I had pushed out this baby with no pain, yet this hurt? They actually had to inject me with some numbing stuff to do the stitches. What a wuss!
Ken got to go cut his cord and I was informed that this kid was 9 pounds 12 ounces. My god! If I had gone to term, he would have been massive! They brought him back to me and for the first time, I truly held my son.
It was all pretty surreal. I will
admit, no love at first sight. I think I was in shock. He was passed around to
everybody and I felt pretty good. I was mopped up and for the most part cleaned
up and now a mommy. They took him to the nursery for the normal routine of
cleanup and tests to make sure he was good. Everyone left except Ken and there
we were, sitting there in a daze. So much to take in, really. I was tired, but
I did not want to sleep. I tried to a little, but it was hard. They brought me
lunch and at this point, we found out that Bobby was under a monitor for a
skipped heartbeat. Nothing serious, and in the end, they found nothing, but
that kept him from us for several hours. I was moved to my postpartum room and
entertained multiple guests.